Among The Bystanders
by Synbou
Summary: Kathryn has a disturbing vision about a possible future and starts undertanding things about Tom
1. Standing Over the Sea

Series: Voyager  
Season: 5  
Pairing: P, J, P/T  
Parts: 1/?  
Rating: PG

SYNOPSIS: Voyager's crew finally gets a shore leave, but is it safe for ensigns?

Standing Over The Sea.  
by Isabelle S.

The waves were rolling on the shore, then were forcefully dragged back toward the immensity of the ocean. The air was warm only refreshed by a cool breeze. The light blue sky was clear of any clouds and only disturbed by the infrequent passage of small white marine birds. Ensign Tom Paris walked slowly to the water's edge, his thoughts in tune with the ever lasting movement of the sparkling water. He felt calm. He always felt so incredibly peaceful by an ocean. This was paradise as far as he was concerned.

"It's mesmerizing, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is Commander," Tom replied, not taking his eyes away from the horizon. "Are we all done?"

"We are. The Captain is extremely pleased with how fast the mission went. It means we can all go on shore leave sooner than expected," the Commander said with a grin. "Do you have something planned?"

Tom detached his sky blue eyes away from the sea and looked around them. They were on a beach surrounded by a series of cliffs more than 300 feet high. He took a deep breath, tasting  
fresh salty air. He looked at the Commander for the first time. "I might have," he replied pleasantly. "Have a nice day, Commander."

"You too, Tom," Chakotay greeted as the younger man walked away.

000

"Greetings Captain Janeway, Commander Chakotay," said Brother Tiul as the Klouani mock approached them. He was holding a black and red jacket. "I hope everything is to your satisfaction?"

"Oh yes, Brother, everything is more than perfect, "Janeway assured him happily. "We can't thank you enough for your help and for allowing us this shore leave."

"It seems you are all in great need of one."

"Tell me, Brother Tiul, does this jacket belong to one of us?" asked the Commander.

"Indeed. It is Tom's. He asked me to give it to Harry."

"Why? Where is Mr. Paris?" asked Janeway.

The Klouani turned on his heels. "Over there," he said, pointing one of the cliffs.

Paris was not on the beach where they had expected him to be. Their gazes went up. Both humans gasped at seeing Tom hanging from the cliffs, half way to the top.

"Tell me he has security equipment with him," Janeway said, recovering her voice.

"I'm afraid not. Tom said that the only equipment he needed was his comm badge in order to get down," the Brother stated.

"I swear he does it on purpose to aggravate me," Janeway breathed, feeling angry at the shivers Tom was giving her.

"You want me to call the Doctor, Kathryn?" Chakotay suggested as they both knew how prone to accidents Tom Paris could be.

"No," answered Janeway. She took another calming breath before calling Voyager and ordering that they maintain a transporter lock on the Ensign at all times. "And just hope that he doesn't fall."

"Captain, is something wrong?" asked Ensign Harry Kim as he and Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres approached them.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong," Chakotay answered hastily trying to divert their attention away from cliffs.

"Captain," Tuvok's voice came from behind them. "Is the man climbing the cliff Mr. Paris?"

All efforts to prevent Harry and B'Elanna from worrying were now gone.

"Yes, Mr. Tuvok, it _is_ Mr. Paris," replied Janeway, a little annoyed.

"Well, it's seems that I owe you," Harry told B'Elanna.

"Yes, seems that way," B'Elanna replied with an evil smile.

"The two of you made a bet about this?" the Commander asked incredulously.

"Frankly, Chakotay, how long did you think it would have taken him before he started climbing these cliffs?" retorted B'Elanna.

"He should have at least taken some security equipment with him," Janeway pointed out.

"Don't worry, Captain," Harry tried to reassure her. "He does it like that all the time in the holodeck."

"Mr. Kim, should I remind you that holodecks have security protocols," Tuvok remarked.

"True," B'Elanna agreed. "When they're on."

"B'Elanna...." Chakotay began.

"Commander, I don't want to know," Janeway cut her first officer off.

"Ah! I see Mr. Paris has engaged into another of his reckless activities," observed the Doctor as he joined the group, Seven of Nine on his heels.

"What is the purpose of this activity?" asked the ex-Borg.

"_That_ Seven is something to ask Mr. Paris once he comes down," the Doctor answered her.

"At the rate Tom is progressing, he is doing very well," commented Brother Tiul. "Obviously, he has a lot of experience. I would not worry too much."

"Brother, Mr. Paris has also the worst track record when it comes to injuries of various kinds. I should know: I'm his Doctor."

"Oh God! He lost his footing!" Janeway said alarmed.

Almost everyone stared at the cliffs as Tom struggled to keep his balance. It took him a few minutes before returning to his quest toward the summit.

"You can look now, Doctor," Seven calmly told the physician who had covered his eyes with one hand.

"Is he still climbing?" asked the EMH.

"Yes, going upward," Seven confirmed.

"If he doesn't kill himself, I'm the one who's going to do it," swore Janeway quite furious.

000

"Captain," The Doctor began on a grave tone. "If we don't get to them soon, I'm afraid that the Ensign is going to die in the next few hours."

Janeway exchanged a worried look with Chakotay.

"As long as this storm persists, the transporters are useless and taking a shuttle down there would be too dangerous," the Commander told them.

"Where's Mr. Paris?" she asked.

"The last time I heard, he was still at the monastery with Harry and B'Elanna," replied Chakotay.

"Get a hold of them," the Captain ordered. "With a little luck, they will be able to get to Ensign Martinez before it's too late."

"Aye, Captain."

000

Tom Paris entered the monastery's salon where Harry and B'Elanna were waiting for him. Brother Tiul had lent him a room where he could rest and take a hot shower. His climb had left him a bit sore and quite dirty. But what an exhilarating experience it had been! Not only had it been fun, the view on the top of that cliff had been incredible! It had been worth the effort one hundred times over.

"Happy?" B'Elanna greeted him mirroring his smile.

"I'm always happy when I see you, B'Elanna," he told her sweetly.

"You are, aren't you?" They kissed tenderly. "You smell better," she teased him.

"I'm glad you approve," he said, sitting at their table.

"Talking about approval," said Harry. "I don't want to be around when the Captain gets her hands on you."

"I heard she was quite mad at me."

"Furious," agreed Harry.

"I suppose it could be worse," Tom told him. "I could have a half-Klingon furious at me."

"Which is not something _either _of you would want," warned B'Elanna, making them laughed.

"I'm glad to see that you are having a good time," said Brother Tiul.

"I have to tell you, Brother, that I haven't had such a great time in months," Tom told the monk. "Thank you so much for your hospitality."

"It's a pleasure to have you here. We are gathering in the community hall for the afternoon tea. Would you like to join us?"

"With pleasure," Tom replied.

The three friends stood up as Tom comm badge chimed. The pilot sighed.

"Go," he told them before answering. "Paris here, what can I do for you, Commander?"

"Tom, sorry to interrupt your R&R but we have a situation. Ensign Martinez and Lieutenant Ayala have been caught by the storm in the mountains. Apparently, the Ensign is gravely hurt. With the storm, we can't get a fix on them and going down with a shuttle is too risky. We need you to get to them."

000

An hour later, Tom, Harry, B'Elanna, and their new friend, Brother Tiul, were braving the harsh weather, making their way through the steep mountains. This was no longer paradise, Tom thought. The beautiful sunny day had been replaced by a cold dark rainy late afternoon. The conditions were making it hard for the small group to walk at the quick pace. The Doctor had made clear that Ensign Martinez's life was in grave danger. With this rain it would certainly make things worse for her.

"The _away mission curse_ is still definitely plaguing us."

"Oh, lighten up, Harry!" Tom told him. "At least were outside."

"Leave it to him to find a bright side in such a situation," B'Elanna pointed out.

"And me who thought that _I_ was the eternal optimist," said Harry.

"Yeah right!" both Tom and B'Elanna replied.

Tom exchanged a look with Brother Tiul who was grinning widely. Momentarily, his left foot slipped. The monk caught him just in time before he fell.

"Thanks, Brother," Paris said. Looking back at Harry and B'Elanna he admonished, "Careful you two, it's getting slippery."

The conditions of the soil were getting worst due to the rain. They concentrated their efforts at avoiding getting hurt themselves and encouraging one another. It took them almost two hours to get to Lieutenant Michael Ayala and Ensign Carla Martinez's position.

They followed a hiking trail up the hillside for more than one kilometre. It seemed that the two officers had fallen down a crevice. It was a long way down.

"I can't see them," Tom said obviously worried.

"The readings are a bit scrambled because of the weather, but the tricorder does register their life signs around here somewhere," Harry told them as he came up behind his friend.

Tom tapped his comm badge.

"Paris to Ayala!" he called. "Paris to Martinez!"

He received only static.

"I don't think the comm badges will work in this weather," B'Elanna said.

Tom sighed with frustrations. It was either that or their friends could not hear them.

"We have to find them soon," he said. "Under this rain, they must be freezing to death. Mike! Carla! It's Tom Paris, can you hear me?" he shouted.

The wind, raging thought the trees and the beating rain, was the only reply they received. He did not like this at all. He was getting more and more worried by the second as a feeling of helplessness filled him.

Brother Tiul put a hand on his shoulder. "Try again, Tom. Maybe they can hear you, but you can't hear them," he said.

Moving along the hillside, they began to search and call the missing officers' names. After a few minutes, Harry shouted: "I found them! Over here!" As the others joined him, he added: "They are about 30 meters down this way."

"Oh great," Tom sighed as he quickly assessed his surroundings. This would not be easy, would it? "Ok... I'll tie a rope to this tree and rappel down. Brother, you'll be next with the stretcher. B'Elanna and Harry, you make sure everything goes well on this end. We'll probably have to pull up the stretcher."

They all nodded their agreement and started to prepare their equipment. Once the rope had been solidly tied up to a huge strong tree, Tom started his descent. The earth had turned into a slippery mud, leaving Tom to wonder how they would rescue their friends. Well, he did not have all the facts yet, so he decided to worry about that when the time came.

As he was getting closer, he had a better look at the two officers. Ayala was seated on the ground and leaning against a big rock that was slightly sheltering them from the rain. Martinez was lying on the ground, her head on Ayala's laps.

"Mike! It's Tom, can you hear me?"

"We're here, Tom!" Ayala called back.

Tom finally got to them in a few jumps.

"Captain said that you were coming," Ayala told him. "Took you long enough."

"It's not pretty out here," he said, getting his medkit out of his backpack. He got his medical tricorder and began to scan Carla.

"I know, sorry," Ayala apologised. "The weather changed so fast. It caught us by surprise."

"Caught everyone by surprise," Tom pointed out. "Brother Tiul says it's due to the beginning of the raining season. How long has Carla been unconscious?"

"Ten to fifteen minutes. She's been in and out since the accident. How is she?"

"Not too good at the moment," Tom replied meeting Ayala's brown eyes. Holding his gaze, he added. "But, she'll be fine. It's nothing the Doc and I can't cure." _Assuming we can get her to the Doc in time_, he told himself as he worked on stabilizing the woman's life signs. "About you, Mike, how are you?"

"I have a broken leg, maybe a few ribs too," he told the Field Medic.

"Nothing I can't handle," Tom assured him. He quickly looked behind him as he heard Brother Tiul coming. "We'll have you out of here in no time."

"Do you think we'll be able to transport back to the ship?"

"I'm not sure if they fixed the transporter yet," Tom said. "It seems that the communications are not coming through this weather either. And, since our Chief Engineer and Chief Ops officer are down here with us, it's not helping them."

"Ah yes! The Three Musketeers," said Ayala.

"The Three Musketeers, huh?" Tom chuckled. "Mike, meet D'Artagnan," he said as Brother Tiul knelt beside them.

Ayala smiled and greeted the newcomer.

"D'Artagnan?" asked Brother Tiul.

"A heroic character of an Earth story," Tom replied as he healed Martinez's broken right arm.

"Oh, I see. How is she?" enquired the Brother.

"I stabilized her life signs," Tom said. "Give me a few minutes to heal Carla's major injuries. Then, we'll be able to move her."

While Tom was taking care of Martinez, he let Brother Tiul chitchat with Ayala, both knowing that talking would keep the lieutenant's mind occupied.

They careful laid Martinez on the stretcher and Tom made sure that she was well strapped in. Then, he tugged hard on the rope tied to the stretcher, signalling Harry and B'Elanna that they could pull it up. Brother Tiul prepared himself to climb behind it.

"Give me a few more minutes," Tom told him. "I'll fix Mike's leg and see what I can do for his broken ribs. Then, we'll follow you."

"Alright," Brother Tiul agreed. "Just hurry, it is going to be total darkness very soon."

Tom nodded and then turned his attention to Ayala. "How does that feel?" he asked, once done.

"Much better," Ayala told him with a smile. "Thanks, Tom."

"No problem, Mike." Tom tied Ayala to the rope. "Here comes the hard part," he said as they began climbing the muddy hill.

"At least, it stopped raining," Ayala observed.

"Finally!" said Tom.

000

The storm had faded away during the night making place for a new beautiful shining morning. From the monastery terrace, Kathryn Janeway had a splendid view on the garden and on the ever lasting sea. The air was fresh. The sun was warm on her bare arms. It felt good to be outside in the open. She had not realized, until now, how much she had missed this.

"Greetings, Captain," Brother Tiul said as he joined her by the guard rail.

"Greetings, Brother Tiul," she replied, returning his smile. "I was just thinking how much I missed being outside. On Voyager, we have the holodecks. They create very elaborate illusions. Still, they're only illusions."

Brother Tiul smiled empathetically. They stood in silence for a moment as both their gazes got lost in the immense clear blue ocean rolling in front of them.

"I believe that Tom is right when he says that the sea has this uncanny ability to steel your thoughts away and leave you at peace," Brother Tiul finally commented. Kathryn looked down at the garden. Tom and B'Elanna were sitting on the bench by the sea. "I must admit," continued the monk, "This is the calmest I have seen him since you arrived."

"Tom did confess to me that he always been attracted to the sea," Janeway said nostalgically. "He would have made a career out of it if his family's aspirations had not gotten in the way."

"His fascination for an ocean put a strain on your professional relationship and friendship not so long ago."

"He told you about that?" Kathryn asked surprised that Tom would confess to a stranger.

"He did not elaborate on the subject. But, I could tell that it sadden him, as it obviously saddens you."

Janeway looked away embarrassed.

"I did not mean to put you ill at ease, Captain. I'm sorry," Brother Tiul apologized.

"It's quite alright," she dismissed.

"Would you join me for a glass of fresh fruit juice?"

"I would like that, Brother. Thank you."

They sat at the round table. As Brother Tiul filled two glasses of a pale greenish liquid, Janeway commented: "You and Tom obviously have become good friends."

"Tom knows a lot about your culture and is very eager to learn about ours. We had very interesting conversations. I learned a great deal about your people," he explained.

"Tom is our unofficial resident historian," Janeway grinned.

"He is a very empathic person," Brother Tiul added. "This is one of the most valued and cherished quality among my people. One can tell that he is driven by empathy. I felt it during our encounter as Tom was helping around. It was even more obvious yesterday. He was very worried for your injured crew members and the safety of his friends." The monk paused and held Kathryn's grey eyes. "As you were when you saw him hanging from the cliff."

The image of Tom hanging from the cliff was still giving her shivers.

"He means a great deal to you, does he not?"

"Yes, he does mean a lot to me. Tom is a very dedicated friend and officer," she said. "No matter what happened between us, I can't take that away from him. Not that I want to. He came a long way since the first time that I met him."

"He saw and experienced many things, some pleasant, others more unfortunate. But, with such a capacity for empathy, that does not surprise me too much. It is bound to put him in trouble."

"It did, on many occasions," she agreed. Her gaze fell down on Tom for a few seconds before looking back at her companion. "Tom always cared about the crew, even in the beginning when most were not very sympathetic to him. He still does not want to let it show too much." She sighed. "I envy you, Brother," she confessed a little sadly. "You seem to be able to read right through him, as if Tom was an open book. I know Tom for five years now, and he is still a mystery to me most of the time – to many of us, in fact."

"Tom is like an open book. Watch carefully, Captain. He will reveal all his secrets before your eyes without even knowing it."

She gave him a small smile.

The monk stood up and walked back to the railing. Janeway put her empty glass on the table and joined him. She eyed him carefully. He was staring in Tom's direction. Maybe she could not read Tom Paris very well, but she certainly could tell that Brother Tiul looked concerned.

"Are you worried about Tom?" she asked, suddenly having a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Tom has a beautiful soul, deeply wounded by shadows of the past. He is walking a difficult path – sometimes, in someone else's shoes." The monk looked at her. "Since the two of you met, you have been playing an important part in his life." He sighed. "You might still be able to make a difference."

"What do you mean by that?" she asked, her voice just above a whisper.

"Remember that Tom's empathy is what drives him. Losing that will kill him inside." He gave her reassuring smile. "On this long journey of yours, promise me that you will take good care of yourselves."

"We will, Brother," she promised.

As the monk took his leave, Kathryn looked down at the garden. Tom and B'Elanna had left. Kathryn turned her gaze back to the ocean, pondering all of what Brother Tiul had told her, and feeling quite perplexed about it all.

End of part 1

000

Thanks for reading this little piece. Next part: "Looking Down"  
Feedback is always appreciated.

Isabelle S.

April 1999.


	2. Looking Down

Series: Voyager  
Season: 5  
Pairing: P, J & C, P/T

Parts: 2/9

Rating: PG

SYNOPSIS: Kathryn has a disturbing vision of a possible future. Can she do something to prevent it?

Prior story in the *Among The Bystanders* series:  
1) Standing Over The Sea

Looking Down  
by Isabelle S.

000

Captain Kathryn Janeway walked with assurance onto the bridge of the U.S.S. Voyager. It was the beginning of a new day in the Delta Quadrant. Quickly, she surveyed the room. It was a bit quieter than usual. Tuvok was at the security station. Harry Kim seemed lost in his work at Ops, and Seven of Nine was occupying the engineering console. Chakotay got up from the Command chair and greeted her. As she sat down, she realized that the unusual silence was due to the absence of a certain well-articulated pilot.

"Where's Mr. Paris?" she asked her second in command. "Shouldn't he be here already?"

Chakotay looked at her, first with surprise, then with sadness. She saw him pale as a solemn expression came onto his face. He gently took her hand. "Kathryn," he murmured. "Tom is... gone. Remember?"

"Gone?" she repeated. She did not remember Tom going anywhere. "Gone where?"

A shiver ran down her spine as she saw the distress in Chakotay's dark eyes. The atmosphere on the bridge was suddenly heavy. The room was even quieter, if that could be possible.

"Kathryn," he said again on that soft tone of his. "Tom died three days ago."

Died? No, Tom could not be dead. She had seen him with B'Elanna in the Mess Hall this very morning. Had she not?

"Why don't we go to your ready room?" Chakotay suggested.

She simply nodded as her voice seemed to be caught in her throat. As they walked toward her ready room, she noticed that everyone was looking anywhere but at her. Their sadness was obvious on there faces.

The doors of her ready room closed behind Chakotay and herself. She turned to face him. "Tom died?" she asked as if he had to prove it to her.

"Maybe I should bring you to sickbay, instead. You're obviously not ready to go back to work yet," Chakotay said. "This could be due to post-traumatic stress," he rationalized.

"Chakotay..." Kathryn was at lost for words. She felt fine other than she could not remember that a member of her crew had died. "Bear with me, please. What happened to Tom?"

Her first in command hold her gaze. He did not like what he was about to say. "Kathryn, Tom committed suicide three days go."

"Su-i-cide..." she repeated as if she had just learned a word in a foreign language. "No. Chakotay, Tom would never do something like that. He has been through a lot, but he's a strong man. He's a survivor. He- he seemed fine..." her voice trailed off.

"So he seemed," Chakotay granted. "His pain was great, Kathryn. He could not live with it anymore. None of us saw it coming. None of us saw his distress."

"It was hidden behind the mask," she realized, remembering Tom's ability to hide behind a facade.

"More like a brave front," Chakotay commented.

"Why?" she croaked.

"I don't know. More I read through his personal logs, more I feel his pain and distress. But, why he chose to end his life, now? I don't know. Maybe you do." He looked away for a moment, before saying: "Kathryn, you were with him before he died."

"I was?"

She suddenly felt cold. Tears came to her itchy eyes. "If I was with him before he died...." Tears started to roll down her cheeks. "Why couldn't I stop him?"

"You tried," he consoled her. He took her in his embrace as deep heartbreaking sobs ran through her small body.

000

"Kathryn," Chakotay called softly. "Kathryn, you're crying."

Kathryn Janeway opened her eyes. Her face was damped from fresh fallen hot tears. She was sitting on the floor of her ready room, her back against the couch. Chakotay was seated beside her. His akoona and her medicine bundle were displayed on the table.

"What- What's going on?" she asked between two sobs.

"You were on a vision quest, remember?" he replied. "You started crying. Do you want to talk about it?"

Kathryn met his gaze. She could distinguish some concern for her in his dark eyes, but there was no grief on his tattooed face as she had seen just a moment earlier.

"Tom..." she finally managed to say. "Tom's still with us, isn't he?"

Chakotay looked back at her questioningly. She had never looked so distraught before. "Tom Paris? Sure he is. Why?" he said gently.

"Where is he?" she asked a bit challengingly.

"He's at the helm." Chakotay could tell that his answer was not convincing her, so he called: "Computer, locate Ensign Tom Paris."

"Ensign Tom Paris is on the bridge," replied the cold female voice of the computer.

She closed her eyes and visibly sighed with relief. Chakotay got up and replicated some hot tea for both of them. He gave her a cup saying the tea would calm her down.

"Kathryn, what did upset you so much?" he asked on a soft tone.

She sipped the tea for a moment. When she felt calmed enough, she told him about her vision. "Is this what's going to happened?" she asked. "Will Tom really commit suicide? I can't imagine him doing something like that. And- And I _certainly_ don't want him to die!"

Chakotay gave her a sympathetic smile to appease her distress. "It could be a possible future, but it doesn't mean that it's going to happen. I would have never thought of Tom committing suicide, either."

"But why did I see something like that?" she asked in a mix of confusion and anger. "Do you think he's alright? There's got to be a reason why I had such a vision." She paused to take a breath. "As we were saying in my vision: Tom always been able to hide his emotion behind an unreadable mask. Maybe he's suffering inside and we don't even see it."

"Or maybe it has nothing to do with Tom's emotions," Chakotay challenged.

"What do you mean? That I have some unresolved feelings toward Tom? It's obvious that our friendship is still suffering of his stay in the brig, but we have been working on it."

"I don't know. Have you?" Chakotay questioned. "When was the last time you had a talk with him?"

As she looked back on the past months, she had to admit the conversations with Tom had been strictly professional. There had been no more talks about classic stories over a warm cup of coffee. What a pleasurable discussion that had been! It had occurred just before Tom had gone against her orders. She realized that he was still avoiding her, maybe just a bit less then the first week following his release from the brig. Or, was she the one avoiding_ him_? Either way, it was unfair. Tom did not deserve a cold shoulder, and neither did she.

"You're right, Chakotay," she confessed at last. "It's been a long time since Tom and I talked about anything other than ship business. I think the closer we came to something personal was when I played Queen Arachnia."

Chakotay chuckled as he remembered, not only how sexy she looked in that costume, but also how much she had enjoyed playing the part despite the situation with the photonic aliens. "You have to admit that you had fun, then," he told her.

Kathryn grinned. "I did. Maybe I should propose to him to do it again? Tom has always been more at ease in his holo-programs. Remember Sandrine's?"

"Looking back," Chakotay said. "Sandrine's was an elaborate cover up. The Tom Paris that we came to know over the years is nothing like the Tom Paris most of the crew met in Sandrine's five years ago."

"True," Kathryn agreed. "It further proves how well Tom can play a role in order to hide his vulnerability. I'll see if I can interest him in another instalment of _The Adventures of Captain__Proton_," she decided.

Chakotay grinned at her assured tone of voice. "I'll look into this situation also, if you don't mind," Chakotay suggested. "Maybe his friends have seen changes in his behaviour. Surely, B'Elanna would know if something was wrong."

"Remember that B'Elanna has been in a depression herself, not so long ago," Kathryn pointed out. "In order not to hurt B'Elanna, Tom may not confide in her. He loves her very much."

Kathryn's gaze met Chakotay's as she suddenly thought of many awful circumstances that could drive lovers apart. Tom and B'Elanna had a rocky relationship to say the least, but they  
seemed to love each other. Still, she could not help but wonder: Was B'Elanna returning Tom's feelings? If not, could it be enough to drive him to suicide? What if she was to die? Would Tom been able to cope with the lost?

"Whatever this vision is about," she finally said. "We owe it to ourselves, and to Tom, to do something – anything that would prevent him from taking his own life." She suddenly looked at him with a flash of recognition in her eyes.

"What is it?" Chakotay promptly asked.

"Something Brother Tiul told me before we left the Klouani home world. He said that I might still be able to make a difference'"

"What did he mean?" wondered Chakotay.

"When I asked, he just told me to remember that Tom's empathy is what drives him. Losing that will kill him inside. Do you think that it's what happened in my vision? That it's why he committed suicide?"

"I don't know, Kathryn. I really don't know."

000

Kathryn found Tom sitting alone in a corner of the Mess Hall. The dim light was just bright enough to allow him to read the content of the data padd. His right hand was resting on the table, his long fine fingers laced around a cup of coffee. His half-eaten meal had been pushed aside. As she came closer from behind him, she noticed sharp little movements in his shoulders and he was making soft muffled sounds.

Was he actually _crying_?

"Tom?" she whispered. "Are you alright?"

He almost jumped out of his seat at the sound of her voice. He turned to face her. She first saw his shining wet blue eyes. His surprised expression got momentarily replaced by a grin.

"Captain, don't sneak up on a guy like that. You scared me half to death!"

She smiled a bit embarrassed. "I'm really sorry, Tom," she apologized. "It's just that for a  
moment I thought... I though that you were crying."

Tom gave her a boyish smile. "No. I assure you, I'm not crying," he replied. "In fact, I'm  
trying very hard not to laugh too loud." He showed her the padd. "This novel is so funny. I have read it about a thousand times already. Still, it's like the first time every time!"

She took the padd and realized to her dismay that the text was in French.

"Daniel Penac was a 20th century novelist. I think he was a French teacher too. He wrote many police intrigues. He wrote an entire collection about Benjamin Melausene, scapegoat of  
profession, and big brother of his _eclectic_ family. I love Penac's style. His writing is a mix of very good French and French argo."

"It sounds very interesting," she said not immune to his enthusiasm. "Unfortunately, I don't read French. Do you know if there is a translation?"

"There must be. I haven't looked. I always try to read novels in their original language. Many details are lost in translations and some can be important."

"Do you read other languages than French and English?" she asked suddenly interested in this new insight about this man who kept surprising her by the diversity of his knowledge.

"About eleven. Reading is often the easy part," he replied a little too vaguely for his captain's tastes. "I don't necessarily speak them, however."

"_Eleven_ languages," she repeated quite impressed.

"They are mainly from Earth: Latin, Italian, Spanish, German, Celt, Greek, French and English of course. But there's also Sandorian, Vulcan, and Klingon."

"Very rich cultures," Kathryn commented.

"Yeah," Tom agreed. "How about you, Captain? Speak other languages?"

"A bit of Latin and the American Sign Language," she answered.

"I know that one too. We probably took the same courses back at the Academy," Tom pointed out. "Ah, well," he dismissed. "Was there something I could do for you? Or, did you just come by because you thought I was crying?"

She smiled sheepishly. "Frankly, I was feeling a little bored and was looking for something fun to do. I have some holodeck time reserved and I was wondering if you would be interested in another instalment of Captain Proton and Queen Arachnia."

He looked twice at her. Obviously, he had not expected that one.

He smiled a little sadly. "I'm afraid that it's impossible. I erased the program."

"You _what_? Why? It was a good program."

"I got tired of it," he simply said.

Seeing that there would be no point in trying to make him talk about it, she asked: "Can I interest you in another program?"

"I'm flattered, Captain," he told her sincerely. "But, B'Elanna should join me in about an hour or so and I really would like to finish my book. Maybe we could get together some other time?"

"I would like that," she said.

"Maybe I could interest you in a good book? It always cheers me up when I'm bored or feeling down."

"Were you feeling down?" she asked, not losing the opportunity to probe into his feelings.

"Bored," he emphasized. "B'Elanna found herself a new project down in engineering and she didn't need my help," he finished with sweet puppy face that made Kathryn chuckled,

"Sorry to hear that," she sympathized. "I'll look up that book, even if I have to read the translation. Have a good evening, Tom."

"You too, Captain."

000

"Now, that felt good! "B'Elanna Torres said as she stepped down from the boxing ring, followed by Chakotay, "Although, something tells me that whatever was on your mind before the match, is still there."

"That's very perceptive of you," her companion grinned.

"What's on your mind, Chakotay?"

They both sat on a nearby bench. Chakotay gave B'Elanna a towel and a water bottle. He took a few mouthfuls from his own. "It's like I told you, earlier. It's been a while since we did something other than work together. The fact is: I'm wondering how you're doing," he told her. "How are you _really_ doing?"

"I'm fine. I'm _really_ fine. Why?" she asked, tossing him a suspiciously glare that he met with a sideways look.

"Your life seems to be back on track," he said. "I'm just wondering how you're doing. How are you feeling? How's work? How's your relationship with Tom going?"

"That's a lot of questions," she replied in a childish tone. She took a deep calming breath as she pondered how she was going to answer. "Work's fine. We're keeping up with maintenance and various repairs. There's not much to say. As for Tom and I, we're fine too, I guess."

"You don't sound convinced," Chakotay pointed out.

"I don't know," she sighed. "Tom loves me. I know he really does. I love him too more than I can say. But, the passion's gone. It's been gone for a long time." She stayed silent for a moment. As if by admitting what was lost, it felt more real. "I suppose that it was bound to happen. The worst is that it's my own fault. I've been pushing Tom away for months. Now that I want more, Tom doesn't seem too. He seems content with the little I've been giving him."

Chakotay cleared his throat, a bit hesitant to ask his next question. "You think he's faithful to you?"

B'Elanna looked at him appalled. "_Of course_ he's faithful to me!" she retorted. "He has always been faithful to me. How dare you question Tom's fidelity?"

Chakotay did not reply. He just looked ashamed, which made her realized that he was not implying that Tom had a relationship with another woman. Just that he was concerned about something –looking for clues.

"You know as well as do that Tom's faithful to me and that I'm to him," she told him meeting his guilty gaze. "What is this all about, Chakotay?"

Her friend breathed deeply. "It's just that the Captain and I feel that something is amiss with Tom. We thought that maybe you would have clues about what it is."

"So this isn't about me," she said. "It's about Tom."

"_And you_," Chakotay added. "You're both my friends, B'Elanna. I care about you. How did Tom seem to you the last few weeks?"

"Frankly, I haven't notice anything particularly wrong with him. What makes you think something's wrong?"

"He seems quieter, even maybe a bit withdrawn. He looks as if he has lost some weight and is tired."

B'Elanna's gaze now met Chakotay's concerned one. "Quiet.... maybe?" she conceded. "It's hard not to be quiet when you pass all your spare time reading books. Sometimes, he reads until two or three in the morning. He does look tired after a while. Withdrawn? No. He's not around me anyway."

"You don't think that he lost weight?" Chakotay asked.

"He might have lost some weight," she agreed. "But, it's no big deal. Tom's weight has always been like a yo-yo. He's so picky on food that he often prefers skipping meal than trying Neelix's strange concoctions. Harry, Megan, Jenny, and I know what he's not going to like, so we buy him dinner or something." She paused, reflecting on what she had said. "Chakotay, I think that you're worrying for nothing. It's kind of you to be concerned about Tom and me, though. Thanks."

"You're welcome," he said returning her smile. "Just remember that I'm here for both of you if you need me."

"I will."

000

The lights were dimmed in Kathryn Janeway's quarters as she and Chakotay shared a friendly candle lit dinner. Soft music was playing in the background. It was somewhat romantic. It was mostly was relaxing since Kathryn would never allow it to be more – at least, not as long as she was captain in the Delta Quadrant. Trying to bring Voyager home and looking after the well-being of her crew would always be her priorities. It was a choice that left her lonely at times, but she didn't regret it.

"You want more wine?" asked Chakotay.

"No, thank you. I'm ready for coffee, actually."

"You're always ready for coffee," he teased her.

"True," she replied with a grin. She stood up and walked to the replicator. She ordered two strawberry cheesecakes and coffee. They ate in silence for a moment, appreciating those little guilty pleasures.

"So, how did your meeting with B'Elanna go?" she finally asked.

"She beat me at my own game," he said in a complaining tone.

"Wasn't that expected?" Kathryn chuckled.

"_No._ Anyway, she says that she's doing fine, that work's fine, and that her relationship with Tom's fine."

"Well, I guess she's _fine_." Kathryn commented.

"Almost," Chakotay agreed. "She also told me that her relationship with Tom had lost its passion. It really seemed to sadden her. She rationalized away quite easily the observations  
that we made about Tom."

"How does she explain that Tom seems to have lost weight, that he is quieter, even withdrawn, and that he looks tired?"

"Apparently, Tom doesn't seem withdrawn around her. She says his weight is like a yo-yo. It depends on what Neelix's serving most of the time. He apparently passes all of his free time reading. As she put it: 'it's easy to be quiet when you're reading'. She explained his tiredness by the fact that he often reads until two or three in the morning."

"Tom does read a lot," Kathryn confirmed. "Did you know that he could read in eleven languages?"

Chakotay looked at her incredulously. "I had no idea."

"I just found out myself last night when I proposed my rematch between Captain Proton and Queen Arachnia," Kathryn said.

"So, how did that go?"

"It didn't. He erased the program. He said that he got tired of it."

"That's not like Tom," Chakotay observed.

"Tom can be very impulsive at times," she pointed out. "One of _his_ programs got involved in a possibly deadly incident, _I _got involved, and our relationship being what it has been since  
the last few months were all contributing factors. More I think about it, less I'm surprised."

"I see your points," Chakotay acknowledged.

She sat back in her chair and took a sip of coffee pensively.

"When I asked him if I could interest him in something else, he preferred the company of his book." She sighed. "I checked in the computer. He hasn't called up any of his programs since he deleted the Captain Proton program. If he has been to the holodeck at all, it was with somebody else, and he was not the one requesting the program."

"He was embarrassed about the situation with the photonic aliens, maybe he just needs time. If Tom likes reading that much, maybe it's enough to entertain him. He might not need to use the holodeck at the moment."

"Tom has always been hiding in the holodeck," Kathryn argued.

"Obviously, he isn't hiding there anymore. What we could see, could be the real Tom Paris."

"_Tom's like an open book_, Brother Tiul told me back on the Klouani home world. _Look attentively. He will reveal all his secrets before your eyes without even knowing it_. Do you think we could be looking too hard and seeing things that aren't there?"

"We certainly could be interpreting things the wrong way," Chakotay agreed. "I would have asked Tom directly if, for a minute, I would think he would give me a straight answer."

"I know what you mean. So what do we do about it?"

"Beside those little odd things, Tom seems fine. My own vision quest hasn't revealed anything particular about it to me. I suggest we give it more time – time to learn how to read Tom  
Paris."

"Time for me to work on regaining Tom's friendship," Kathryn added.

"I don't think that you ever lost it. Getting back in each other's good grace, could be easier than you think."

She smiled. "We'll then, let's keep on reading Tom Paris. We might learn very interesting things."

"It's still hard to believe that he can read eleven languages."

"Oh, I believe it." Kathryn stated. "His family wanted him to become a Starfleet Captain by his early thirties after all."

"And fate had other plans in mind. Let's hope it's for the better."

"Let's hope that it will be enough to make the difference Brother Tiul was talking about," she wished.

"Only the future will tell."

End of Part 2

000

Yes, it ends like this. For now.

Next part: Searching For What Is Lost  
Thanks for reading this little piece. Feedback is always appreciated.

Isabelle S.

April 1999.


	3. Searching For What is Lost

Series: Voyager

Season: 5

Pairing: P, J & C, P/T

Parts: 3/9

Rating: PG

SYNOPSIS: Kathryn starts to understand just how much Tom can be driven by empathy.

Prior story in the *Among The Bystanders* series:

1) Standing Over The Sea

2) Looking Down

Searching For What Is Lost

by Isabelle S.

000

Kathryn was being held into a comforting embrace. The man, on whose shoulder she was heavily resting her head, was no one she had ever been close to. His solid frame was giving her the strength to stand upright. His touch was warm and reassuring. He was not Chakotay, Tuvok, nor Tom.

Tom...

Tom needed her help before it was too late. She panicked and fought to free herself. The man held her tighter. His large hand gently stroked her back.

"Please, Captain," he pleaded in a pained stricken voice. "Please, don't look. It's over. There's nothing more to do."

The voice belonged to a member of her crew. She suddenly shared his grief. Kathryn could not stop herself, however. She had to see. She struggled harder and released herself. She sprang on her heels and faced... no one.

In front of her, the land was ending sharply. The sky and the ocean were melting into one another in a blue monochrome. The same shades of blue Tom's eyes could get. Tom who lived in the sky and loved the ocean… Both he and the wide sea were mysterious and fascinating.

Kathryn took a few steps forward and looked down. "Oh, God! Noooo!" she cried as she woke up in the dark.

000

"I can't stop crying," Kathryn said as Chakotay came to sit beside her on the couch.

"Here," he said giving her a warm cup of tea.

It was passed 3 a.m. Kathryn first reaction to her nightmare had been to call her Native American friend. He had not said a word to the fact that she had just woke him up. He had simply promised to be there in a few minutes. So, there he was, her eternal solid wall of support, sitting beside her in his green PJs.

"Thanks for coming so quickly," she said between a sip and a sob.

"Another bad dream about Tom?" His question was more a statement.

Kathryn nodded.

"Was it the same one as the last time?"

"No." She took a deep breath. "Last time, I was in my ready room with the Doctor. He had just finished Tom's autopsy. He was saying that Tom probably wouldn't have committed suicide if he hadn't been intoxicated. I don't know by what, but he wasn't alcohol."

"What happened this time?" Chakotay asked softly.

Kathryn brought a hand to her mouth. Her lips were suddenly tied shut. She sniffed. Her tears were threatening to start poring down from her red-rim grey eyes again. Chakotay put a comforting hand on her other arm.

"I was being held by someone, a member of the crew. He wasn't you or Tuvok. I though of Tom and I panicked. I knew that he needed my help. So I struggled to free myself from the man's embrace and I turned around..." She sniffed again. This time, she was not able to retain the tears.

"You turned around," Chakotay repeated in a whisper. "What did you see?"

"I saw... I saw the sea," she said in a sob. "I was standing on the top of a cliff, looking over a beautiful blue sea that was melting into the clear sky. I looked down. Oh, God..." Heartbreaking sobs rocked her body. Chakotay came closer and took her in his embrace. Gently, he caressed her back. "I looked down," she said again. "And I woke up screaming. I- I don't remember seeing Tom at the bottom. But- but I knew he was there. I knew he was dead. What I am going to do?"

Chakotay stayed silent. He kept on stroking her back until her tears ran their course and her sobs had faded into small tremors. He let her go. Slowly, she composed herself.

"This is so strange," she said. "It's like things are going in reverse."

"You're right," Chakotay realized. "During your vision quest, Tom had been dead for three days. Your first nightmare was about his memorial service. You then dreamed about his autopsy, and now _this_... You have to talk to him, Kathryn. This can't go on. It's devastating for you."

"I did. I talked to him," she argued. "We went sailing on Lake Tao together. Brother Tiul said to me that Tom's empathy is what drives him. So, I played that card. I told him that I was missing our friendship and that I was concerned about him, among other things. I shared my feelings, and he shared back. He was very open and honest with me."

She paused reflectively.

"Things aren't perfect." she granted. "He wishes that his relationship with B'Elanna could be more. The strain that the whole incident with the Water Planet put on our relationship saddens him greatly. Yet, he would do it again if he thought he could make a difference. It was a selfish thing to do, he said. But, he just couldn't stand there and do nothing. He had to try."

"I understand, but he took things a little too far."

"Oh Chakotay, don't give me that!" she lightly resented. "You've been in similar situations. You also took things into your own hands and went against the law. So, have I." She sighed with frustration. "That's not the point anyway. The point is that he _is_ fine. I don't know why he would commit suicide."

It was Chakotay's turned to sigh. "I don't know either. Harry and the Delaney sisters noticed that Tom was more quiet than usual, that he was no longer engaging in his regular activities, and that he was less passionate about things. But, they all agreed that he is fine, too. Although, Megan was concerned by the fact that Tom had lost some weight."

They both knew that there was not much they could do except keeping an eye on Tom for the time being.

"If I see things in reverse, does it mean that I'll see him jump next?"

"I certainly hope not," Chakotay replied sympathetically. "Kathryn, I know that you don't want to give him any ideas. But if this goes on, you'll have to tell him about those dreams. If you don't, I will."

She first glared at him, not liking that threat. But then, she could only agree with Chakotay.

000

"Minister Diac was very cordial," Captain Janeway said as she finished debriefing the senior staff concerning her meeting with the Frelian minister to foreign affairs. "Hopefully, this supply mission will go as quickly as the one on the Klouani home world. I'll see the away team in transporter room two in twenty minutes. Dismissed."

As everyone was leaving, Paris approached Janeway. He waited for them to be the only one left in the room before saying. "Captain, do you think it's necessary for me to go with you on this mission?" She stared at him in surprise. "You don't need a pilot."

"True," she granted. "But, on this new world, I could use a member of the medical staff."

It sadden her that after all this time, Tom was still seeing himself only as a pilot. He had proven to be so much more. She felt guilty for not pointing that out to him more often.

"The Doctor would be a better choice," he argued.

"Tom, you're an excellent medical assistant," she told him, seizing her chance. "You also have an affinity with people that the Doctor has yet to master. In addition, I know I can always count on your intuition. Those gut feelings of yours often coming handy."

Tom slowly let out a breath. Obviously, he did hot want to disappoint her.

"Is something wrong?" she asked. "You love away missions. You always complain that we don't go planet-side often enough. Do you have a bad feeling about this one?"

"No bad feelings," he said reassuringly. "I have some work to catch up on in sickbay and I could use the time."

Those words sounded strange coming from her Chief Pilot, but Tom appeared sincere.

"If you prefer not to come, I won't force you," she told him. "But, the offer still stands. If you change your mind, join the away team in fifteen minutes."

"Thank you, Captain." he said.

"You're welcome, Tom."

Kathryn looked blankly at the door closing behind Paris. She was not sure how to interpret this situation. She sighed. This musing was not going to help her prepare for her away mission. She left the conference room for her ready room. While crossing the bridge, Chakotay came up to her.

"Is something wrong?"

Janeway invited him to follow her. Once in the privacy of her ready room, she told him about Tom's request.

"Tom preferred working in Sickbay to going on an away mission?" asked the Commander unbelievingly.

"You heard me right, Chakotay. It sounded strange to me too."

"Now, I'm definitely worried," he stated.

"Oh, because you weren't worried before?" she asked him.

"I was." He looked at the window while she assembled a few pads on her desk. "You know, Kathryn, maybe this is just a good thing."

She gave him a sideway look. "You mean keep Tom off away mission and from high cliffs? How long can I do that, Chakotay? Tom and B'Elanna don't even use the safety protocols in the holodeck."

He had no answer to give her.

000

Kathryn finally saw Tom materialized in the middle of the large hallway, a few feet away from where she stood. He quickly surveyed his surroundings. Local art that resembled painting, but not quite, were exhibited on the walls. Plants, sculptures, and other ornaments were displayed in the long corridor. The light was coming from beautiful crafted chandeliers, hanging from the ceiling. Around them, people were passing by, going from one room to another.

"I'm glad you decided to come," Kathryn greeted him.

"Well, I must say Captain that you were quite insistent," Tom pointed out with a smile. "Not to mention Commander Chakotay who almost made it an order..."

She grinned. "That's because I have something to show you."

"You do?" Again, Tom looked around. "Where are we?"

"In the Historical Aviation Museum," she replied seeing a sparkle in those baby blue eyes of his. She had successful caught his interest.

They entered a huge room where pictures and full-size models of aircraft and small spacecraft were exhibited. Although, Kathryn had already seen the display, its impressiveness mesmerized her once again. It stole her pilot's breath away. He was standing like a statue, his month hanging open.

"Breathe, Tom," she reminded him.

He looked down at her, just long enough to return her grin, and then his eyes flew back on the exhibit. His stunned expression was slowly shifting to a mix of delight and curiosity. His ultimate boyish expression was what was mesmerizing her now. He was looking like a six-year-old who did not have enough of his two eyes to take in all the wonders of the world.

He began to make his way toward the nearest aircraft model which was to their left. Slowly circling around it, he analyzed each angle of the small plane with the critical eye of an expert.

Without even touching the frame, his long fine hands followed the structure, feeling its smoothness and its strength from a distance.

"This _is_ an incredible engineering piece!" he commented.

"I am glad that you like," said a tall male joining them. "I assume you are Captain Janeway's Chief Helm Officer. I am Minister Diac."

"Ensign Tom Paris," the pilot introduced himself. "Pleased to meet you, Minister."

"As I was telling you earlier, Minister," said Janeway. "Tom is our unofficial historian." She liked that new title she recently gave him. "If you want to discuss Earth history and culture, aircrafts, and other methods of transportation, he's the one to talk to."

Tom looked at her a bit taken aback by her comments. She just had time to smile at him before the Minister seized his opportunity and invited the pilot to follow him throughout the exhibit.

They must have spent over three hours in that room alone, discussing the different models and comparing Frelian aviation and space exploration history to that of Earth's. Janeway, Kim,

Torres, Neelix, and Tuvok were learning a great deal on both counts. Again, they were amazed by the extent of Tom's knowledge of Earth's history, his attention for details, and his enthusiasm.

"It is unfortunate that the museum has to close for the night," stated Minister Diac. "I had a wonderful evening in your company."

"Likewise, Minister," Janeway told him pleasantly.

Outside, on the plaza facing the museum, they found the rest of the away team gathered around a bench on which B'Elanna and Harry were sitting.

"Where's Tom?" asked the Captain.

"Over there, by the street," replied Harry. "There was one _last_ thing he had to look at. We just couldn't keep up with him anymore."

Janeway chuckled, understanding perfectly what Harry was saying. She was tired as well. It had been a long day and the last few hours had been like following a hyperactive child in a candy shop. Despite herself, she made her way towards Tom. She was curious to know about his latest discovery.

Kathryn found Tom staring at an odd structure, which from human point of view, could be described as abstract art. It was a tall sheet of metal, at least nine or ten feet high, put on a plinth, cut at various angles. It was quivering in the wind, making strange screeching sounds that seemed to amplify in the dark.

"Sounds like.... I don't know... a horror movie," he decided giving up searching. "You like horror movies, Captain?"

"No. I can't say that I do," she replied returning his grin. She did not particularly like that structure either.

As Paris and Janeway began making their way back towards the away team, they heard what sounded like gunfire and screams coming from the busy street. They quickly exchanged a look and ran in that direction instead, hoping to be able to offer assistance if needed.

Panicked people were running in different directions as gunfire could be heard again. Paris forced Janeway to the ground. Someone else screamed. She looked up to see a young man being shot at by a Frelian military officer. Other gunfire could still be heard. Tom was staring at a young male that did not seem much more than a teenager. Kathryn felt that he was about to make a move toward the fallen boy and she grasped his arm. It was too dangerous. He could be hit in the process.

Tom's eyes met her own. Her heart broke over the distress she could read in his blue orbs. He was imploring her to let him go. He had the medical knowledge. He could do something, they both knew it. She was also aware that he could not stay there doing nothing without at least trying to help. She desperately wanted to bring her arm around his shoulders to keep him low, away from flying bullets, but mostly to give him comfort. Instead, Kathryn gripped him tighter, afraid that he would make a run for it if she was to let go.

"Tom, please! Don't move!" she pleaded.

In the few minutes that followed, things quieted down. Slowly, carefully, they stood up. Tom seemed to be shaky on his legs. He was holding his mid-section. For an instant, she feared that he had been hit. But, there was no blood. Kathryn's gaze flew to the boy. She realized that Tom was holding his mid-section about the same place that the victim had been wounded.

Soon the crowd gathered around. They found themselves among curious bystanders who just looked at the scene without doing anything.

"Captain!" Tuvok's voice came from behind them. "Are you and Mr. Paris all right?"

The Vulcan Security Officer was followed by the Minister and the rest of the away team.

"I think that we are. Are we?" she asked Tom scrutinizing his face.

He simply nodded. "Minister, I'm a medical assistant, can I be –"

"Do not trouble yourself with this, Tom," Minister Diac interrupted him. "Those people are rebels. The police will handle them. Please, let's walk away from this unfortunate incident."

Kathryn and Tom caught a sight of each other. He opened his month. He was about to say something, but the protest that she was expecting never came. He furtively took one last look at the still unattended teenager before steeping back and looking away, ashamed and barely holding his own.

_Remember that Tom's empathy is what drives him. Losing that__ will kill him inside,_ Brother Tiul had said.

Fear struck her as if she had been shut at herself.

Not only could Tom understand others' distress, he could share their pain. His feelings were like an eggshell that had been scratched and hit too many times. By preventing him from relieving the young boy's distress, he could not alleviate his own. This was the breaking point that Chakotay and herself had been looking for and fearing, for weeks.

She realized that she had overlooked too quickly his empathy during the incident with the Water Planet. She had shattered his passion in the process. Now, she had involuntarily denied it all together, threatening his life.

Her heart sank. _Oh Tom...What have I done to you?_

000

Chakotay knew that something had happened to Tom the instant he had seen him materialize on the ship. The First Officer's bad feeling had been confirmed moments later as he had exchanged a look with his Captain. Now, Chakotay and Kathryn were the only one left in the room. He was sitting on the transporter platform. She was pacing.

"I can be damn proud of myself," she said with anger. "I did the impossible. I broke the wild horse. I killed the rebel. I made him the obedient child his father was hoping for. I turned him into the model Starfleet officer his teachers at the Academy wanted him to be. I reformed him by only a month in the brig where a seven-month incarceration in New Zealand had not been strong enough. You see Chakotay, _I_ succeeded where others have failed. The only thing I had to do was to kill him."

"Kathryn, you did _not_ kill him," her friend refuted. "Tom's still with us. He is not dead inside either. Being dead inside would not lead him to suicide. He would not be motivated to do it." Chakotay stood up in front of her, putting a stop to her pacing. "Kathryn as long as he is with us, there's something we can do to help him. I don't know why you have those visions, but it gives us the advantage, especially now that we know what we are dealing with."

"And what are we going to do?" she asked. "For the first time in my life I feel completely helpless," she admitted tears in her eyes. "I feel like Tom's about to fall and that I just can't get close enough to catch his hand. I don't know what to do. "

He forced her to look at him and he held her gaze.

"We're going to get you close enough. That's what we're going to do," Chakotay told her forcefully. "We're going to get you close enough so that you can grip his hand and pull him back."

He took both of her hands.

"Brother Tiul told you that you might be able to make a difference and you will. You're not alone. I will help you as I know Tom's friends will too. We'll be there for Tom as I am here for you. I won't let you go down either."

She gave him a small smile. "I know I can always count on you. Thank you for being with me, Chakotay."

Giving her one last reassuring smile, he guided her out of the room.

End of Part 3

000

Next Part: Finding Only Pieces

Big thanks to PJ in NH for helping proofing this story.

Thank you for reading.

Isabelle S.

April 1999.


	4. Finding Only Pieces

Series: Voyager

Season: 5

Pairing: P, J & C, P/T

Parts: 4/?

Rating: PG

SYNOPSIS: Kathryn wants to help Tom. But, her friend is an enigmatic man giving her only small pieces to work with.

Prior story in the *Among The Bystanders* series:

1) Standing Over The Sea

2) Looking Down

3) Searching For What Is Lost

Finding Only Pieces.

by Isabelle S.

000

It was insomnia that had brought Kathryn Janeway to the Mess Hall at 0320 hours. Despite her best efforts, she had not been able to find peace of mind since the accident on the Frelian Planet three days earlier. Her fears of finally dreaming of Tom's fatal fall was terrorizing her. So, she had avoided sleep as much as sleep had eluded her. But, she knew that this little game would have to end soon before her body, or her mind, gave up.

"They say that warm milk with a touch of honey does wanders to cure insomnia," a soft and friendly baritone voice told her. "It's actually in one of my medical texts somewhere. Or was it in a cook book?"

Kathryn looked away from the window to see Tom Paris delicately put two bowls of warm milk in front of her. She smiled at the kind gesture. She remembered her mother saying something similar and her smile widen.

"How about we test this old-fashioned cure together?" he proposed.

"It would be my pleasure, Tom. Thank you. So, I gather that you can't sleep either."

He simply shrugged as he brought the warm liquid to his lips.

"Something on your mind?" she asked, seizing the opportunity to have a heart to heart with a friend whose well being had been a constant concern of hers for the last few weeks.

"Nothing out of the usual," he replied vaguely. "You?"

"_You_," she said quietly, meeting his gaze. Confusion clouded his red-rim blue eyes. "You've been on my mind. You seemed rather shaken after what happened on Frelia."

His gaze flew to the window. He took another sip of milk. Kathryn saw his muscles tense despite the calming effects of the warm liquid. She felt somewhat ashamed for causing him discomfort, especially when she knew he had come here to relax. But, the issue had to be discussed and she might never have a better chance. Tom rested his bowl on the table and brought a hand to his left temple. He sighed.

"I've seen too many scenes like that one," he finally said sadly.

"It's never easy to see people or kids being coldly shot at on the streets," she sympathized.

"Scenes of people standing there in the crowd doing nothing…" His voice was a shadow of his usually strength, but it was not hiding his anger.

Tom was angry. He was not dead inside as she had feared, even as irrational as it sounded.

"...Hiding among the bystanders and watching," he went on. "Not being smart enough to understand that there's an emergency. Avoiding responsibility..." His sentence trailed off as a ghost of a memory passed over his now dark blue eyes. The sparkle that had once resided there was gone, extinguished.

"There was nothing we could do, Tom," Kathryn tried to reason. "We offered help, and it wasn't wanted."

"The almighty Prime Directive had to be respected, I know," he said bitterly. "It doesn't make me sleep better at nights... Nor you." He finally added, looking directly into her grey eyes.

A shiver went up Kathryn's spine as Tom hold up her gaze. She suddenly feared that he could see right through her. It lasted the instant of a second – a chilling instant where she had felt as if someone had just walked over her grave.

She blinked.

Supported by an elbow on a table, Tom's head was still resting in his left hand. His gaze was lost in the bowl of milk.

He looked back up at her. "If you don't mind me saying so, Captain, you seem like you haven't had a good night of sleep in weeks," he stated politely "Try to get some rest. Otherwise, you won't be able to get rid of this recurring headache of yours."

How did he know she had a headache? A headache in her _left temple_...

He went on, unaware of her confusion. "It's sad, but you're right. We can't change the world if the world doesn't want to be changed. No wonder we turned out to be such good bystanders."

"You really think we're that bad?" Kathryn asked.

"Maybe we are, not necessarily by choice." He took one last sip of milk. He shrugged. "It doesn't really matter, anyway."

"It matters, Tom," she disagreed. "Because being a bystander isn't what you want to be."

He gave her a timid smile. "There's not much we can do about it. We better go back to bed and sleep."

"Tomorrow will be another day," she said more cheerfully.

"Right. Good night," he said rising up.

"Good night, Tom."

As she looked at him leave the Mess Hall, her heart ached to see him over-powered by so much helplessness.

000

"You're sure that you'll be all right?" Chakotay asked Kathryn, reluctant to leave her alone.

It was almost 0430 hours, when Kathryn was woken up by another nightmare. It was a curse that was still plaguing her every two or three nights. Chakotay had been available for her each time that she had needed someone to talk to about them. It was the only thing he could do.

After her conversation with Tom in the Mess Hall two weeks earlier, Kathryn had made Chakotay promise that he would not breathe a word of this to Tom. It was an issue that she would deal with the younger man when she felt that he would be ready. For the moment, he was still too vulnerable, already feeling too helpless. Chakotay was forced to agree. They feared that learning he had been the source of Kathryn's distress for all those weeks would literally send Tom over the edge.

If only they knew the real underlying reason for Tom's distraught behaviour. What had he seen prior to the Frelian incident that had made things spill over? Was it really a matter of empathy? How much could Tom feel other's pain and distress?

"For the third time, Chakotay: _Yes_, I'll be all right," Kathryn replied with a grin. "I'm all better. Thank you."

They both stood up from Kathryn's couch and walked to the door which opened behind him.

"You call me if you need anything," he insisted.

"I will. See you on the bridge later," Kathryn told him.

As Chakotay turned on his heels to leave, he almost ran into Tom Paris. He was dressed in a loose pair of slacks and a T-shirt.

Red-rimmed blue eyes looked up at them with surprise and confusion. It was as if Tom had just been awakened. He smiled. He was visibly embarrassed, as he seized up his two senior officers standing in the entrance of the Captain's quarters, both dressed for the night. His smile widened as he put two and two together and came up with five. He brought a finger to his lips and kept on his way without saying a word.

Kathryn and Chakotay did notice however the sideways look he gave them before shrugging the entire thing away. They stood there for an instant, wondering if Tom had really ran into them, before Kathryn pulled Chakotay back into her quarters.

"Have you taken a good look at him?" she asked. "He looks awful!" Chakotay simply nodded. "What was he doing here so early, anyway?" she wondered.

"I don't know, Kathryn," he replied. "Although, something tells me that no one will hear of this."

"Frankly, it would actually reassure me if he would start a rumour about this," she confessed. "That's what a _normal_ Tom Paris would do."

000

Kathryn Janeway took a second glance at the food Neelix was serving for lunch. It looked a bit suspicious, but edible. The Talaxian cook would always amaze her by the diversity of his colourful creations. She had to admit that she had gotten used to it. That was what a home cooked meal tasted like now. But, it would never beat her mother's cooking.

At Tuvok's invitation, she sat down at his table by the window. They exchanged a few words, and then she went back at contemplating the content of her plate. Her Vulcan fiend had never been much interested in small talk. Right now, that was just fine by Kathryn. She was not in the mood anyway. They were too many things that the Captain of the U.S.S. Voyager was preoccupied with.

She suddenly turned her head at the sound of laughter – _Tom Paris'_ laughter. He and B'Elanna Torres had just walked in, making their way to the counter. Kathryn unconsciously smiled. She could tell, by the facial expressions of the other crew members present, that she was not the only one pleased. It was a sound they had not heard ever since the Frelian incident.

"Let me hear that again," B'Elanna asked him joyfully.

"Oh no, that was just for you to hear," Tom replied teasingly.

"Tom, let me hear that again, _please._"

Kathryn found herself jealous that Tom would reserve his soft laughter for the joy of B'Elanna only. She wished that she could hear Tom laugh again as well. It had been too long.

"B'Elanna, I can't. We're in public," Tom said. "I don't want to add this to my already long list of felonies."

B'Elanna smirked. "Tom_, signing_ in public is hardly a crime."

"It is on Harvest IV, Cideru, and Kohorsa," he argued.

"It is? Well, it's not on Voyager. We could ask Tuvok. He's over there."

Tom looked around the room. He seemed embarrassed. His smiled had disappeared. Obviously, the little game he and B'Elanna had been playing was not amusing him anymore. Nor did it do to B'Elanna, whose expression had shifted from joy to chagrin – a sentiment that was now shared by most people in the Mess Hall.

Tom carefully chose a few sandwiches from the buffet, served himself a cup of coffee, and then made his way toward a table. Was he only going to eat that little? No wonder he was losing weight, Kathryn thought.

Her gaze met B'Elanna's. The younger woman sighed with dismay. Kathryn returned an encouraging smile. She would have to have another conversation with Tom soon, she told herself. In the last few weeks, the two of them had rebuilt the foundation of their friendship. Tom just was not very talkative when it came to the Frelian incident, or the effects it had on him. Kathryn knew now that Tom had nightmares of his own. B'Elanna had told Chakotay so that very morning. Unfortunately, she couldn't say what they were about.

Kathryn, on her part, had dreamed of Tom's death eight times since the incident. Each time, it had been different. But, it always started moments following Tom's fatal fall and ended before she could see his body at the bottom of the cliff. It was stressful and frustrating, but she had come to take comfort in that fact. It reassured her somewhat to never see his body at the bottom of the cliff or, worse, see Tom jump. It told her that it was not too late.

000

Later that afternoon, after being summoned by Seven of Nine, Janeway walked into the Astrometrics Lab. Chakotay, Tuvok, Torres and Seven, of course, were waiting for her. She nodded her greeting. "Report," she said, looking at the Commander.

"Seven detected a large deposit of dilithium on the fifth planet," Chakotay explained.

"With such a deposit, we could make a reserve that would last us almost five years," B'Elanna commented enthusiastically.

"The planet also contains other minerals that could be transformed in various metals and materials," added Chakotay. "The vegetation seems to be rich as well. There's a good chance that we could refill our food reserves."

"Sounds like it's our lucky day," Janeway told them, visibly pleased.

"There is a problem, however," said Seven, never sugar coating bad new as usual. "The planet's atmosphere is sporadically disturbed by ion storms. It will interfere with transporters and could make shuttle flight hazardous."

"You said sporadically," Janeway pointed out. "I guess timing will be everything. Other hazards we should be aware of?"

"There is none that I could identify," Tuvok replied. "However, caution is advised."

"Good," Janeway acknowledge. "What's our ETA?"

"Three hours at warp six," Chakotay informed her.

"We'll reconvene at that time with away team status," the Captain concluded. "Dismissed."

She exited the Lab, Chakotay by her side. They exchanged a sideways look, both dreading the subject matter at hand. They walked in silence toward the turbolift. Once inside, they voiced at once: "What about Tom?"

"Hold turbolift," Janeway ordered the computer. She sighed. "We talked about this before, Chakotay. I can't keep him off away mission forever, especially in circumstances like these. Tom _is_ still our best pilot. He has not participated on the last three away missions. If this continues, we'll be sending the wrong message. The last thing we want is that Tom, or the rest of the crew, believe that we lost our faith in him."

"I'm well aware of that," stated the Commander. "I suggest that we include him. But, if he doesn't want to go, don't force him."

"I don't like it Chakotay," Kathryn told him nervously. "I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that a catastrophe is about to happen. That this mission is going to be it."

"So you said the last time," he reminded her. "Kathryn, if you keep on anticipating the worst, it will happen." He gave her a reassuring smile. "Like you said, we can't keep Tom away from away missions. He can't avoid them forever either. How about I make sure that I send him in areas away from cliffs and seas? Would that work?"

"That would work," she said returning his grin. "Resume turbolift.

000

Captain Janeway walked into sickbay to find Ensign Tom Paris and Lieutenant Susan Nicoletti sitting side by side on a biobed. They were talking softly. Paris' gaze flew in her direction. He nodded to her, and then his attention went back to Nicoletti. His expression was solemn, reflecting his empathy and compassion

"I better go," the engineer said trying to hide her tears.

"The Captain can wait in the Doctor's office or she can come back later," he said loud enough for Janeway to hear.

It was Janeway's turn to nod as she made her way to the CMO's office. Once inside, she sat in front of the Doctor's desk. She did not want to pry, but she could not help giving furtive looks towards the two officers.

Tom was attentively listening as Susan was talking. He was giving her support as she was crying. Janeway could not hear their conversation, nor did she want to, but she slowly saw Susan's sadness being replaced by a grin. Whatever Tom was telling her was successfully cheering her up. Tom had good people skills. It was his strength as a medical assistant. Approximately ten minutes after Janeway's arrival, Tom and Susan stood up.

"I wish the Captain hadn't seen me like this," Susan confessed as they walked toward the exit.

"Don't worry, Sue," he told her. "Even captains cry from time to time." A moment later, Paris finally joined Janeway. "Sorry for keeping you waiting, Captain," he said coming to sit behind the desk.

"It's quite all right. I'm not here for a medical reason."

"I figured as much. Captain, if it's about this morning-"

She held up her hand and interrupting him. "I know that if something was going on between the Commander and I, _which_ is not the case, that you wouldn't say a word about it."

He blushed. "It's none of my business. What brings you here?"

"To tell you the truth, Tom, you did. You didn't look well this morning."

"Looks can be deceiving," he pointed out. "I assure you, I'm fine. What about you? With all due respect Captain, You didn't listen to me when I told you to get some rest. You still seem like you haven't slept for weeks." He held on her gaze. Again, she felt ill at ease. What could Tom see behind the facade of her grey eyes? "As a member of your medical staff," he continued. "It worries me. Is there something the Doctor or I can do?"

He was avoiding her question once more. He was very skilled at that. It reminded her of their first year on Voyager. Tom might no longer be as arrogant as he had been back then, but he was still as enigmatic. Protecting his true self from others had became for Tom a matter of survival. It saddened her.

"Like you said, looks can be deceiving," she replied with a smile.

"Obviously," he grinned back. "As for the examination..."

"It will have to wait, Mr. Paris," she stated. "I have an away mission to prepare. Seven found a planet with a huge deposit of dilithium that made B'Elanna very happy and the possibility of food supplies that delighted Neelix. We're expecting severe ion storms in the planet's atmosphere. Your services as Voyager's best pilot will be required." He returned her smiled. "Our ETA is in less than three hours," she informed him. "I expect you and the Doctor to be ready on your end."

"Yes, ma'am."

000

The senior staff walked on the bridge from the conference room. Torres made her way to engineering, while Seven of Nine left for the Astrometrics Lab. The final details concerning the away mission had been taken care off. Three away teams were ready to go planet-side as soon as it was determined that they could beam and fly down safely.

"Any problems?" Tom Paris asked Pablo Baytart.

"The ion currents are making it hard to keep a stabile orbit," the pilot answered vacating his seat. "It's like the controls are sluggish."

"Noted. Thanks," said Paris.

He made a few readjustments to the ship's inclination. He thoroughly analyzed his sensory readouts. The atmosphere was extremely volatile. Ion storms were braking out with little warning. Such storms could dangerously interfere with Voyager's system. It was forcing the helm officer to realign the ship position constantly. As Chief Pilot, Paris had to make a recommendation.

"Captain," he called, looking away from his station just long enough to make eye contact with her. "Voyager won't be able to maintain this orbit very long. I suggest that we move to a higher position."

"Very well, Mr. Paris," Janeway acknowledged. "Move us up."

"It won't be safe to use the transporters," said Chakotay. "We should only use them in case of emergency."

"Agreed, Commander," said Janeway. "Mr. Kim, see if you can enhance the transporters' efficiency to work in such an atmosphere. If we run into trouble, I don't want to be stranded.

"Aye, Captain." Kim replied.

000

The following three days had been delightful. The away teams had settled down by the edge of a dense green forest where they were protected from the ion storms. There, they had installed a base camp for the duration of their stay from where they had an easy access to dilithium deposits, water, and food reserves.

For Captain Janeway, seeing her crew relax and enjoy themselves was a blessing. Extracting the dilithium and gathering other valuable supplies were hard work, but the favourable conditions were making it so much more pleasant. For the first time, since their memorable stay at the Klouani Monastery, Kathryn had finally been able to sleep and to achieve some peace of mind.

"This planet is too good to be true," Harry Kim had commented one night as the senior staff and a few other crew members were gathered around a campfire. "The place is beautiful and we're almost finding everything that we need."

"The Eldorado of the Delta Quadrant," Janeway had pointed out.

"What is the Eldorado?" had asked Neelix.

Janeway gave Paris a meaningful look. Voyager's unofficial historian had returned her smile as he had picked up her cue.

Tom had first told their Talaxian friend about the Europeans of the XVe and VVIe centuries who, searching for a quicker route to China, had stumbled upon the Americas. He then explained that for the Spanish Conquistadors, the New World had meant the Eldorado – the Promised Land of richness, gold, and other countless luxuries. _Eldorado_ had then seemed an appropriate name to grant to their host planet.

That night, after being elaborately setup by Kathryn, Naomi, and B'Elanna, the crew had made another discovery about the enigmatic Tom Paris. He was also talented signer.

With his clear baritone voice, accompanied by Harry at the clarinet, Michael Ayala at the guitar, Joe Carey at the fiddle, and the angelic soprano voice of Megan Delaney, Tom had proven to have quite a repertoire of Earth folk music. In English, French, Celt, and Spanish, they had sing good old campfire songs, tales of incredible journeys, of long lost drunk sailors, and of undying love. They had kept the sweetest of all for the very end, a Celtic ballad that had lulled young Naomi in a peaceful sleep.

000

That particular day was exquisite! The air of Eldorado was warm, not too humid nor too dry. The sun was shining, giving a surreal brightness to the colours of the vegetation.

Kathryn closed her eyes as she brought her cup to her lips. She sighed. The liquid's colour and texture were just right. Its sweet roasted almond smell was soothing. Its taste was as close to real coffee as they ever been able to find in the Delta Quadrant.

"Whoever made that discovery deserves a promotion," she declared.

"I'm sure Tom would be happy to regain his lieutenant rank based on the fact that he found coffee for you," Chakotay said teasingly.

Of all people, it had to be Tom Paris. It was not that surprising when she thought about it. It was just like him to make looking for coffee a priority. She knew he loved it as much as she did and, that like her, he could barely tolerate Neelix's substitute. Her smile took a thoughtful twist as she considered Chakotay's comment.

"I'm not so sure about that," she told him. "Tom's got to be the one with the least ambition to climb the chain of command on Voyager."

"He did take his demotion surprising well," Chakotay pointed out.

"_Handle_ would be a better word than _take_," she said sadly. "As one goes up the rank, he or she has to show leadership. Tom isn't a leader and he knows that."

"I disagree, Kathryn," Chakotay argued. "He might not be the type of leader people expected him to be. Tom isn't a task-oriented leader like you, or his father could be, but he's a great people-oriented leader. He's a skill listener and a good teacher. When he's put in the right situation, he can use his team very efficiently. Maybe we don't put him in the right situations to showcase his talents?"

"Are saying is that we don't use his skills properly?" the Captain questioned. She looked away a bit ashamed and drew in a breath. "So, we keep on breaking him in order to make him fit into the mould."

"I'm sorry Kathryn, I didn't want to bring you down that path,"

"Don't apologize, It's my fault," she told him. She took another sip of coffee. It was so good. She pushed the dark thoughts away and changed the subject. "I agreed to Neelix's request to stay a few days longer. This way, he will have the time to dry his food supplies, Torres and her teams will be less rushed, and the crew will be able to enjoy shore leave."

"Including the Captain, I hope," echoed Paris's friendly voice.

The tall blond man was walking up to them, along with Neelix. They had containers of dry fruits in their hands. Kathryn could not see Tom's blue eyes, hidden behind his sunglasses, but she could imagine a teasing sparkle in them just by the softness of his smile.

"Especially the Captain!" she emphasized.

Her three male companions nodded at each other visibly glad.

"That's good to hear," said Chakotay.

000

"You still haven't told me where we're going," Janeway reminded her pilot, seated beside her in the cockpit of the small shuttlecraft Miramichi.

"I told you, Captain, it's a surprise," Tom said mischievously. "We're almost there. Look at the starburst."

Slowly, Tom made his descent toward a range of green grassy hills. He flew over them for awhile, then the shuttlecraft cleared the top and they were momentarily flying over a moving blue lake. No, not a lake, she corrected herself as they got closer. It was a sea of little blue flowers. The sight took her breath away!

"Incredible, isn't it?" Tom whispered to her. "It reminds me of the fields of lavender in the south of France, back on Earth."

"It's... gorgeous .Tom," she agreed, her voice caught in her throat.

"Wait until you see the fields of coffee by the other side of the mountain!" he told her with anticipation. "Captain, you said that you wanted to relax and I found the perfect place."

Kathryn's month went suddenly dry. Her stomach cringed as she took in the view. She closed her eyes feeling sick. The images came crashing in her mind: A shining beautify day; a moving sea of little blue flowers; Tom and herself by the edge of cliff; tears raining down from a clouded blue sky; a misguided step, a hand too far away….

And then nothing.

End of Part 4

000

The next part: "Standing Up For Oneself"

Big THANKS to Louise who kept me on track and to PJ in NH for proofing this text and for her suggestions.

Isabelle S.

May 1999


	5. Standing Up For Oneself

Series: Voyager

Season: 5

Pairing: P, J & C, P/T

Parts: 5/?

Rating: PG

SYNOPSIS: A shining beautify day. A moving sea of little blue flowers. Tom and Kathryn by the edge of cliff.

Prior story in the *Among The Bystanders* series:

1) Standing Over The Sea

2) Looking Down

3) Searching For What Is Lost

4) Finding Only Pieces.

Standing Up For Oneself

by Isabelle S.

000

"Captain, are you all right?" Tom asked her, his voice filled with concern. "You look like you had the fear of your life!"

"Err..." She forced a breath in, pushing the images out of her mind. She had to calm down. Now, was not the time to panic! She could still lead Tom away from this place. "I... I don't feel very well," she told her pilot, which was true enough.

"Try to take even breaths," he recommended. "That's it... We'll land in a few minutes."

"_Land?_" she almost gasped. She bit her lower lip in reprimand. She took another deep breath. "Tom, this is very kind of you. But, if you don't mind, I would like to return to the camp."

"I understand, Captain," he said. "But we'll have to land. Neelix and his team are waiting for us, remember? As soon as they're ready, we'll head back." He gave her a soft smile. "You'll have to let me take a look at you this time."

Kathryn simply nodded. She looked away at the field of blue flowers over which they were flying. It was so pretty. At the far end of the field, the landscape was hillier. She could not see what was on the other side of the field. She had not seen any high cliffs yet, but it did not mean there was none.

She felt Tom gaze falling on her again. He was giving furtive looks in her direction. Then, his attention was returning to his landing procedures. She allowed herself a sideways look of her own. Tom had been so happy a few minutes earlier, just like a child who had been working all morning on a special surprise. Now, she knew that he was worried about her, but he was calm and professional. He certainly did not seem like a man who was about to commit suicide!

What if it had not been about suicide all along? She hoped for the umpteenth time. What if it was just about a freak accident? Would it really make a difference? Certainly would not in the long run.

She knew that something was about to happen. Something that would drag to the surface the pain Tom had been carrying and hiding for years. And to her great sadness, she was somehow part of it.

Tom flew over the field and smoothly landed the Miramichi on a plateau at the foot of a steep hill. It was obvious by the trace left in the blue-green grass that he had landed there before.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked.

"A little," Kathryn replied. "I would feel much better if we could return to the camp as soon as possible."

"I know," he said before getting up. "I'll go get the others."

It took Kathryn a moment to realize that he was leaving without her. A shiver went up her spine and she jumped out of her seat. Under no circumstances was she going to let Tom out of her sight! She looked at the back of the shuttle where her pilot was opening the hatch. Tom was fixing her with clouded eyes and a stunned expression. He was as surprised by her uncharacteristic behaviour as she was. In that instant, she could barely recognize herself.

She cursed her weakness.

She was Kathryn Janeway, Captain of the Starfleet starship Voyager, she reminded herself. She had battled the Cardasians, the Kazon, the Vidiians, the Borg, and too many others. She had defeated Fear and Death. But it did not matter anymore because Kathryn Janeway felt idle with helplessness in the face of human fragility.

"I need some air," she hastily told Tom with a smile she hoped looked reassuring.

She was not even out of the Miramichi that she caught the sweet smell of the blue flowers. It reminded her of the ones of lilac and magnolia. The odour was just strong enough to be soothing. Tom waited for her to exit the shuttle first, and then he followed her. Overlooked by the hill, they were standing in the vast sea of blue flowers with green and yellow leafs.

"We found another kind of seed underneath the yellowish leafs which are as close as Earth's coffee seeds as we ever found so far in the Delta Quadrant," Tom enthusiastically told her.

"This planet has surely been full of wonderful discoveries," she said unable to hide her satisfaction at the prospect of drinking coffee.

"Captain! Tom!" called Neelix, who was walking through the flowers alongside of the hill. "Am I am so glad to see you!"

Listening to Neelix's uncharacteristic monotone voice, one would have doubt the sincerity of the last statement

"Hey, Neelix! Is something wrong?" Tom asked meeting the Talaxian half way. He was sweating heavily and his breathing was laboured. "Are you all right?"

"Yes... yes, I am. But the others..." Neelix replied. "But, the others have fallen sick."

"Sick?" echoed the Captain. "How sick?"

"They started to have cramps in their stomach and to be feverish. Then, they began to hallucinate and to wonder in all directions," the little alien explained.

"Sounds like a typical psychedelic drug reaction," Tom concluded. He gently reached for Neelix's chin and forced him to hold still so he could look into his eyes. The pupils were dilated. "Although, it seems to have a different effect on you, more like a depressant." He looked at his Captain. "What were you saying about wonderful discoveries?"

Janeway ignored his last statement. "Where are others, Mr. Neelix?"

"Not far this way," he said showing the direction he had been coming from. "I tried to keep us all together until you arrived, but I lost track of Ensign Wildman and crewman Delby. Lieutenant Ayala is holding his own; he stayed with Ensign Lang, and crewman Chell. Ann-Mei is very sick."

"Hell, I knew this wouldn't last long!" Tom sighed, frustrated. "There's no such thing as a peaceful away mission, at least not for me. Something always has to happen!" He drew in a calming breath. "Neelix, let me grab a medkit and I'll come with you," he told him. "Captain, you should stay here. Hopefully, Delby and Wildman will come this way."

_Oh no, Mister. You are not go__ing to get rid of me that easy_, she thought.

"Thank you for your concern, Mr. Paris, but I'm coming with you," she said with a firm voice. "Tom, we don't know exactly what we're dealing with, yet. We wouldn't want any of us going wondering around on our own."

"She's right, Tom," Neelix agreed.

"Captain, with all due respect, moments ago you weren't feeling well," Tom argued. "It would be better for you to stay away from a possible dangerous psychedelic agent."

"You're concern is noted, Mr. Paris, but I made my decision," she said definitely.

"I was afraid you'd say that," Tom mumbled. "Well, it's time to test if Doc's lessons about psychopharmacology sank in. With a little luck, I should be able to come up with a counteragent. We'll also need medkits, tricorders, and blankets," he told them as they returned to the shuttlecraft.

000

Chakotay made his way through the base camp. He was not too surprised to find it almost deserted as most crew members were on away missions or tending to ship operations. However, the absence of Captain Janeway at either location was unexpected. He could not help feeling uneasy about it.

He found B'Elanna and Harry loading cases of various minerals into shuttlecrafts.

"Chakotay, something I can do for you," greeted the Chief Engineer.

"Hello to you too, B'Elanna," he replied. "Have you seen the Captain around?"

"She left with Tom over an hour ago to retrieve Neelix's team?" she informed him.

"Alone with Tom?" he whispered mostly to himself.

B'Elanna obvious did not like the last statement – or was it its possible implicit implications. She stood up straighter. "Is something wrong?" she asked coldly.

Harry walked out of the shuttlecraft with a concerned look on his young face.

"No, nothing is wrong," Chakotay hastily replied. "I just need to talk to Janeway. Harry, could try to hail them?"

"I can try, Commander," the Ensign told him. "But, I can't guarantee that it'll work. The ion storms in the atmosphere are still interfering with communications."

"Just give it a try, Harry," Chakotay said before walking away.

He was not sure if he wanted to know where Kathryn and Tom were. He was just hoping that it was as far away from high cliffs as possible.

000

Janeway and Paris followed Neelix through the field of little blue flowers, tricorders in hand.

"I'm picking up traces of hallucinogen agents coming from the flowers into the air, but in extremely low quantities," Tom informed the Captain. "No wonder we missed on it during our first survey. Still, people shouldn't be sick, there doesn't seem to be that much hallucinogen agent in the air."

"Maybe a prolonged exposure to the agent reinforces its effects," Janeway offered. "The more they're exposed to it, the more sensitive to it they become."

"A sensitization effect? Possible, but that's pretty rare. People usually develop tolerance, more than sensitization." Tom argued. "Neelix, you're sure you and the others didn't eat or drink anything you shouldn't have?"

"I'm quite certain. We were very careful," Neelix assured them.

"I'm sure that you were, Mr. Neelix," the Captain told him.

"Well," Tom said. "If the counteragent I came up with starts to wear off on me, please remain me that I can't fly – biologically speaking ,of course," he added with a smile.

Attempting to fly by jumping off a high cliff? The thought gave Kathryn shivers. If he only knew how much she was scared for him. Despite herself, she gave him a resentful look to let him know that she had not appreciated his last remark. A look that he never caught as his attention was suddenly drawn to the right side of the field where Kenneth Delby was wandering around in Adam's costume, as if he was in Eden's Garden, and talking to himself.

"Oh my..." she breathed. It was quite a sight! Well, Delby was a handsome man, and she was still a woman... "And me, _please_ remind me to keep my clothes on."

"Wait until the poor guy comes down," Tom chuckled. He reached into his medkit and gave a hypospray to the Talaxian. "Neelix, also take a blanket and try to catch up with him, will you? Be careful. In this state, Delby can be irrational and dangerous."

"You mean he's not always irrational and dangerous?" he quipped.

"You've been hanging around Tuvok too long," Tom replied.

The three of them chuckled, and then kept on their different directions. Kathryn had to give it to Tom once more: he knew how to make things seems less dramatic. It was an important strength, but also one that could lead to misleading conclusions.

About five minutes later, Kathryn and Tom found Lieutenant Ayala, who was supposed to be with the rest of the away team, which they could not see. Ayala was obviously nervous and kept pacing like a sentinel guarding the entrance of a fort.

The security officer sprang around phaser in hand. "Stay where you are!" he ordered.

"What was it you were saying about irrational and dangerous?" Kathryn whispered to Tom.

"Mike, it is Tom Paris and Captain Janeway," the pilot announced.

"Oh yeah! I know you," Ayala retorted. "You're the traitor who sold us out to the Federation to save your neck. I see that you brought your Federation friends with you."

_Oh, God, no..._ Kathryn pleaded. _Don't let Tom go through this again. Not now..._

"I'm afraid so," Tom responded calmly. "Mike, are Sam, Ann-Mei and Chell with you? Neelix said that Ann-Mei is very sick and that Sam had wondered off on her own. I can help Ann-Mei. I'm a nurse remember? I work with the Doctor on Voyager. I came to your help and Carla's on the Klouani Home World."

"Carla..." Ayala echoed as images filled his already clouded memory.

"Yes, Carla. She's waiting for you on Voyager," Tom said. "We have to bring Ann-Mei, Chell, Sam, and yourself to Voyager too. You're really sick."

"That's not going to work, Traitor," Ayala told him angrily. "I'm going to die before I let you capture us."

They heard muffled voices coming from the ground. By the pitch, it sounded like a woman's voice. As if it was possible, Ayala looked even more nervous.

"This is obviously not working. It's time to change strategy," he told Janeway. "Mike! Listen to _me_. We don't have time to argue. The Cardassians are coming this way. You'll have to make a choice: Either you let us help you, or we all get captured by the Cardassians. Let us help you before it's too late."

"I don't trust _you_!" Ayala retorted. "I won't let _you_ touch them."

"All right," Tom agreed. "I won't touch them, but let Captain Janeway help Ann-Mei. _Please_."

Ayala looked down at the ground from where they could hear the voice again. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally agreed. Slowly, showing that she was unarmed, Janeway walked toward the small group. With one sweep, she quickly assessed the situation. Wildman was nowhere in sight. Chell and Lang were lying on the ground. The Bolian's eyes were closed and he was snoring. He was sound asleep. However, at that moment, Kathryn could not tell if the young Asian woman was still alive.

Janeway put down the medkit and blankets on the ground, she retrieved a medical tricorder and a hypospray. With the swiftness and the agility of a cat, she turned on her heels and applied the hypospray on Ayala's neck. Quickly, Tom was by their side, helping her lay the security officer on the ground.

"I knew..." Ayala muttered to Paris. "I knew you'd betrayed us."

"Sorry, Mike, it's for your own good," the pilot apologized.

"Tom, you should take a look at Ensign Lang," Janeway told him.

Without losing anytime, he knelt beside the fallen woman. He passed his tricorder over Lang's still body. His blood ran cold. He had never seen life signs like these before. He had to do something now, or they would lose her. He was barely aware that Janeway had joined him as he desperately tried to stabilize Lang. It was not working. She was slipping away and there was nothing he could do to prevent it.

Tom tried one last hypospray on Ann-Mei's neck and carefully studied the reading of his tricorder. Then, defeated, he let go of the instrument. His shaky hand moved to her face and he caressed her cold and clammy cheek. Tears rolled down his own as Ann-Mei passed away.

000

Kathryn looked up at Tom. The younger man had shock written all over his face. He looked totally lost. His eyes were half closed. His fair features seemed more livid. Kathryn gently covered his tensed hand and slowly drew it away from Ann Mei's lifeless body. He did not resist her nor did he make a move of his own. His hand was cold and trembling, so she held it in both of hers. She squeezed it delicately.

"Tom, you did the best that you could," she murmured to him.

He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He just freed his trembling hand from her grasp and dried away the tears on his face. With even and steady breaths, he managed to composed himself and stood up.

The atmosphere was awkward as everyone looked everywhere except at one another. Then, footsteps coming from behind them caught their attention. Neelix and a very embarrassed Kenneth Delby, wrapped in a cover, were coming their way.

Tom's eyes suddenly flashed back to awareness with panic.

"Sam..." he breathed.

It was all he needed to say as everyone understood the urgency.

"We'll divide into teams of two. Neelix and Delby, you'll go west. Ayala and Chell, you'll go north. Meanwhile, Tom and I will go back to the Miramichi. With the shuttle's sensors we'll cover more ground and we'll be able to beam you up as soon as any of us find Ensign Wildman."

"Aye, Captain!" Ayala acknowledged for them all.

Slowly, and very carefully, Tom took Ann Mei's body into his arms. He started to make his way east, toward the shuttlecraft, without giving a second glance behind him to see if Janeway was following. They made their way back in silence. She concentrated on the readings of her tricorder, hoping for some sign of life. She tried not to think of young Naomi, who was waiting for her mother back on Voyager, it was impossible.

Get back to the Miramichi took them about fifteen minutes. There was still no news from the rest of the away team. Janeway opened the arch and let Tom in. He delicately laid Ann Mei on a bunk while Kathryn proceeded to the front. She powered up the shuttlecraft and, without losing a second, made a few sensor sweeps.

"The sensors can't penetrate past the hillside to the south," she informed Tom. "I'm not picking up anything other than the life signs of Ayala, Neelix, Chell, and Delby. We might have more luck from the air. Tom, close the arch," she told him, looking back.

He was not there anymore.

"Tom!" she called.

She felt a lump in her throat.

She swiftly made another sensor sweep around the shuttle. Tom was going up the hill. She jumped out of her seat and ran after him. She called his name, she even comm him. He never looked back. He was a lot faster than she was and quickly disappeared over the other side.

Tom had been under considerable stress during the last forty-five minutes. There was a good chance that psychedelic agent could start to have an effect on him, she tried to rationalize.

_If the counter-agent I came up with starts to run off on me,__ please remain me that I can fly_, Tom words echoed in her mind.

She dread what she was about to find on the other side of that hill. Panic threatened to take the best of her and she ran faster empowered by a sudden rush of adrenaline. They had just lost Ensign Lang. They might have already lost Ensign Wildman. God knew, she had been losing Tom for months now.

This was not happening, she refused to believe. Her nightmare would not take a life of its own. She would not let it! She was not going to lose neither Tom nor Sam! She firmly decided that what she would find on the other side of that hill would be the two of them together, alive and well. She did find: Tom and Sam together, standing on the top of a cliff, overlooking another sea of little blue flower.

"It looks breathtaking," Tom was telling Sam. "Can I join you?"

"Of course, Tom," she replied with an angelic smile. "You will love this... all the colors and the waves..." Tom let go off his medkit on the ground, and came closer to the edge. "Isn't it the most beautiful sea that you ever seen?" Sam asked him totally mesmerized, as they both looked over the horizon.

"You're right. Although, I got to admit that I never seen one like this one before," Tom answered her with a smile of his own.

Without any brusque movement, he applied the hypospray that he had been concealing into his right hand, very smoothly on the woman's neck. As it was the case for the others, the counter-agent took effect very rapidly. Samantha began to panic as she gradually became aware of her situation.

"Careful!" Kathryn warned as she saw the younger woman losing her balance.

Tom took a hold of her shoulders and steadied her as they steeped back away from the edge together.

"It's alright, Sam," he assured her. "You're safe now. Take deep breaths."

Kathryn reached for her comn badge. "Janeway to Ayala, Neelix, Chell, and Delby. We found Ensign Wildman. She is alive and well. Rendezvous at the shuttle."

"Aye, Captain," replied Ayala.

"That's wonderful!" came Neelix enthusiastic voice. "See you shortly."

"How do you feel, Sam?" Kathryn asked warmly as she came closer to her two officers.

Samantha's gaze furtively flew over the cliff, and then she looked-up at them with disbelieve written all over her pale face.

"Confused," she sighed. "Things were so beautiful... Full ofbright colors... I don't understand."

"You were hallucinating," Tom explained.

"We found traces of a psychedelic agent coming from the flowers," Janeway added. "It has a possible sensitization effect."

Samantha allowed herself a grin. "So, I got high. I'm glad that I didn't do anything too stupid!"

"You still scared the hell out of us!" Tom grinned back. "Wait until you learned in which _condition_ we found Delby in." His grinned disappeared as a ghost of a memory passed over his eyes.

"Something wrong?" asked Samantha.

"We lost Ensign Lang," Janeway solemnly told her. Another of those awkward silences settled between them. "Come on, time ti go back to the Shuttle."

Halfway down the ill, Kathryn heard Tom curse. She turned around to see him make his way back up the hill. What was he doing now? Whatever it was, she did not like it!

"Tom, where are going?" she called up to him. "Come back down immediately."

"I forgot the medkit," he told her keeping on his way.

"Forget about it. Come back down. It's an order, Ensign."

"I'll be back in a flash," he said as he started to jog.

"Why does he always have to do that?" Janeway sighted.

Samantha gave her a helpless look.

"Captain! Sam!" echoed Neelix's voice.

The two women looked down. The other members of the away team were coming their way. Janeway looked back up. Tom had almost cleared the top and her uneasy feeling returned. She had to go after him knowing deep down that she was about to have the confrontation that she had been desperately trying to avoid.

"Ensign," she said, turning to Wildman. "Go join the others and prepare to take off."

Sam put a hand on Kathryn's shoulder as she became aware of her fear. "Tom's going to come back in a few minutes. He's going to be fine," she tried to reassure her.

Kathryn was hoping as much. However, the clock kept on ticking and Tom was not back yet. Her patience quickly ran out.

"Go!" she ordered the younger woman.

Again, she ran up the hill as fast as she could.

Again, she found Tom by the edge of the cliff.

It was a scene she had saw too many times already. But, this time, it was real. She would not wake up to find Tom sitting at helm in the morning if she did not do something. She was walking on egg shells. She would have to do just the right thing if she did not want to break any of them.

Kathryn drew in deep breaths in order to steady her respiration. As she came closer, she noticed that the medkit was hanging from Tom's shoulder. She knew his intention to retrieve the item and come back immediately afterward had been just that – she also knew that he was attracted by high cliffs and danger.

The common saying_: Living on the edge_, had always described Tom in more than one way. However, this was a little too literal for her tastes.

"You can't fly you know – biologically speaking of course," she finally reminded him.

He chuckled, giving her a sideways look. "I lost that belief a long time ago. Ever dream that you could fly, Captain?"

"Once or twice," she replied with a grin. "My sister Phoebie and I had put into our heads that we were angels seated on a cloud from which we could look after people from above. Of course, at the time Phoebie was five and I was seven. Our cloud was a huge oak three in the backyard from which I eventually fell from and broke my arm. My father used to tease me and call it my _fall from Grace_."

Tom chuckled as he briefly looked back at her, then his gaze flew over the horizon once more.

"Some falls are harder than orders," he finally said. "Mine was from totally different kind..."

"I'm sorry that you had to go through that scene with Ayala, earlier. I'd never thought that they would still hold a grudge against you after all this time."

"It didn't matter in the past. It certainly won't matter now."

"I don't believe that," she challenged. "I don't think that you do either.

He replied by a snort.

Kathryn recognized that particular old defence mechanism of his. It just confirmed that she was right. It always had mattered to him.

He turned around and walked away from the edge. Obviously, he was also walking away from their confrontation by returning to the shuttle. Despite herself, she could not drop the issue. They had made it this far which let her to believe that this was meant to happen whether they liked it or not.

As Tom was about to pass her, she grasped his arm. Their eyes met. She felt her breath being stolen away as Tom's blue gaze cut through her like sharp knives. She felt little and vulnerable, literally exposed. And yet, there was this warmth passing from one to the other.

"What are you so afraid of?" he whispered.

"Losing you?" she replied ever so softly.

Tom looked at her with total disbelief. She felt embarrassed and let go of his arm. Needing some air, Kathryn distanced herself from him. She found herself at the edge of the cliff.

Always the edge of the cliff.

"Tom, how did you know where to find Ensign Wildman?" she asked.

He remained silent. She turned to face him, her gaze demanding an explanation. He seemed taken aback by the question.

"A hunch," he finally shrugged. Clearly, she was not satisfied with his answer. "Sensors couldn't get over the hill," he added.

"It doesn't explain why you took off like you did," she pointed out, holding his gaze.

He was more and more confuse.

"I'm... I'm not sure... I don't know anymore."

Silence settled down between them as though it was its rightful place – a self-appointed guardian to their many hidden demons and secrets. Well, it did not belong there anymore and so she broke it once again. It was her time to share after all.

"I have been having this recurring dream of you falling from a cliff just like this one, for months now. I never see you fall nor do I ever see your body at the bottom. Although, at the end, it's always the same: you die. Something so terrible happens that you jump or accidently fall. I don't know which."

She felt his presence closer behind her and she turned around to face him.

"Tom, I am _not_ going to be a bystander to your death. But, I can't help you alone. You have to let me in."

"Captain... I don't know what to say except that I don't want to die," he assured her, sadly.

"Then, why the cliffs? Why this constant need to live on the edge?" she asked, begging for answer.

He joined her by the edge, a step closer to hers.

"It reminds me that I'm still alive," he said as if it was the most ironic thing in the universe. The bitterness in his voice brought tears to her eyes. "I don't know how you people do it," he went on. "Keeping such a distance away from death… Don't you feel the pain, the fear, the sorrow... the curiosity, the joy, the peacefulness...? Each time, it's like a part of me is dying too. Each time I fear that it will be the best part of me – if that is not already gone."

Now, she understood.

She understood what Brother Tiul had meant when he had said that Tom was driven by empathy. What it would mean if he came to lose this gift.

"Oh, Tom, it's certainly not gone, I assure you," she told him. "We might not feel as strongly as you do," she said. "But, it doesn't mean that we're indifferent. Tom, this empathic capacity that you have is what makes you so special to us. It is what makes you the wonderful friend and officer that you are. I'm just sorry I didn't realize how strong it was until today. I'm afraid

I still don't know you very well."

"Captain, you don't know _any_ of us very well," he pointed out.

"True," she granted. "It's a personal choice I made a long time ago."

"Nor do we know you," he added ignoring her last comment.

"That's my own fault," she added.

"Captain! Is everything all right?"

The unexpected voice of Michael Ayala filling the silence and took them both by surprise. Kathryn turned on her heels a little too quickly and felt herself falling backward. Tom grabbed her and forcefully pushed her to the ground. Doing so, he lost his own balance.

"TOM!" cried Ayala.

Kathryn looked up. All she could see was the various shades of blue of the horizon.

"Oh, God! NOOOOO!"

***

He didn't commit suicide," Kathryn sobbed, her eyes lost into her empty glass of fruit juice. "He saved my life."

"Probably because you did the right thing."

She looked up at the man who was sitting in front of her. He got up and came to kneel by her chair. Without any rushed movement, he took away the glass of greenish fruit juice that she had been barely holding into her tensed and shaky hands.

"Captain. Kathryn, try to relax now. It's over," he said taking her hands into both of his.

"I don't understand," she told Brother Tiul.

"You will in time," the monk assured her.

She was back on the Klouani Home World, which she had never left. They were on the terrace of the monastery, as they had been before, sharing fruit juice and talking about Tom Paris.

"Tom...?" she dread asking.

"Tom is all right," said Brother Tiul as he guided her to the guard rail. "Look, he is still down in the Garden with B'Elanna."

"It seemed so real," she breathed.

"It was real," he told her. "It is one of the possible futures that awaits you. Kathryn, I did not lie to you. You can still make a difference."

"A difference," she echoed, anger rising into her. "You saw what happened. I didn't do the right thing. I couldn't save Tom. He is still going to fall from that cliff."

Brother Tiul reached to her face and brushed her tears away.

"He might," the monk said sadly. "But, knowing what you know now, do you not think that it could make a difference?"

"Why me?" she wondered.

"Because since the two of you have met, you Kathryn Janeway ofthe Federation Starship Voyager is playing a very important role in his life."

"I remember you telling me that," she said.

"Kathryn, Tom was not alone on the edge of that cliff, nor will he be in the future. As you told Tom, you cannot help him alone. You need help yourself – his help."

"You really think that I can prevent him from falling of that cliff?" she asked with a hint of disbelief.

Brother Tiul nodded confidently.

"What will I have to do?"

"You already know the answer to that," he replied.

Kathryn looked down at Tom who was still seated on a bench with B'Elanna.

"Talk to him," she answered her own question. "I have to talk to him before he ever come close to that cliff."

"Do not be afraid to do so, Kathryn. Remember that Tom's empathy is what drives him." the monk gave her reassuring look.

"I had the impression that Tom doesn't know that he is an empath. He seemed to think that we all feel as strongly as he does," said Kathryn reflectively.

"I don't think that he knows that he is either," Brother Tiul agreed. "As far as I can tell, Humans seem to be a very emotionally driven race. It would be easy to assume that you are all capable of empathy as much as Tom is. Besides, Tom's perceptions are such important parts of his reality; he is bound to come up with the same conclusion."

"We often meet and work with members of telepathic and empathic races. It's hard to believe that no one ever noticed until today," she commented.

"Sadly, Tom has such an intense need to protect himself from others that his defence mechanisms are stronger than his empathic abilities, I'm afraid. One needs to know what to look for in order to notice."

Kathryn met the monk's gaze. "Which you taught me how to do," she told him with a smile. "Thank you."

Brother Tiul took both of her hands into his and gave them a warm squeeze. "On this long journey of yours," he said. "Promise me that you will take good care of yourselves."

"We will, Brother," she promised.

"Good luck."

As the monk took his leave, she looked down at the garden. Tom and B'Elanna had left. Kathryn turned her gaze back to the ocean, pondering all of what Brother Tiul had showed her. She felt a new sense of purpose filling her. She would get to know the members of her crew, all of them. Most of all, she would save Tom's life. She knew how to do so, now.

End of Part 5.

000

Thanks for reading this final peace.

Thanks to Louise B. and PJ in NH for helping proofing this text.

Isabelle S.

Octobre 1999.


	6. Knowing The Future

Series: Voyager  
Season: 5  
Pairing: P, J & C, P/T  
Parts: 6/9  
Rating: PG

SYNOPSIS: Now that Kathryn knows the future, can she save Tom's life? Or, as the future already been changed?

Prior story in the _Among The Bystanders_ series:  
1) Standing Over The Sea  
2) Looking Down  
3) Searching For What Is Lost  
4) Finding Only Pieces.  
5) Standing Up For Oneself

Knowing The Future  
by Isabelle S.

From the terrace of the Klouani monastery, Kathryn Janeway was standing over the sea. Hours had passed since her conversation with Brother Tiul, long hours during which she had pondered the implications of her _revelation_ over and over again. Brother Tiul had assured her that Tom falling of that cliff was one possible future, but not _the future._ Could she really save Tom and Ann Mei Lang's lives based on what she had seen?

At times, she had the firm conviction that she could. Then, vivid flashbacks of the dreams that had tormented her all along were painfully destructing her confidence. Those dreams had been the precursors of the tragedy that was awaiting them. She had first dreamed of Chakotay reminding her of Tom's suicide. Then, there had been the memorial service and Tom's autopsy. In a backward order, each dream had brought her closer to the fatal moment. Deep down, Kathryn felt that she was missing a crucial part of that puzzle. She could not stop second guessing herself.

Being unable to accept that Tom could ever take his own life, could she have influenced her vision by the sheer force of her will? Kathryn shivered at the thought. Whatever the truth was,  
she was back at the beginning. She was left to wonder if Tom was really in psychological distress. The key to that assessment had been clear all along, she had to confront Tom, but when and how?

Looking below to the garden, Kathryn noticed Chakotay. He was slowly making his way back form the beach towards a bench on which he sat heavily. Her first officer looked tired even from the distance. She felt guilty. All day long, she had hidden on the terrace while her crew had looked over the last minute details before Voyager's departure from the Klouani Home World. The least she could do was to apologize to her good friend.

So, Kathryn put her musing aside for a moment. There were other pressing issues that she had to give her attention to and maybe, just maybe, backing off from this whole situation would help her gain the insights she so badly needed.

She gazed once again over the deep blue sea, seeking strength in the giant moving mass. She took in a few deep breaths, savouring the taste of the salty air. The cries of the seagull-like birds flying above her, the sounds of the waves crashing on the cliffs below, the wind playing in the leafs of the trees calmed her. With a renewed confidence, she walked down to the garden.

Chakotay smiled as he caught sight of her. His smile was genuine; however it was not hiding the uneasiness that was clouding his dark brown eyes. With a slump gesture of the hand, he invited her to sit next to him.

"You look exhausted, Commander," she said softly, with sympathy.

He sighed. "I feel as exhausted as I look," he replied in a raw voice as he briefly looked at her. He cleared his throat, but remained silent.

Kathryn could tell that he was bothered by something. He seemed to be willing to talk about it, but just did not seem to be able to bring himself to do so. This man, who usually was a wall of confidence and serenity, was unsure of himself. It was an unlikely characteristic for him. She eyed him carefully in that instant. His gaze was lost somewhere over the horizon in front of them, his lips were almost trembling.

She put a hand on his muscular forearm. "Chakotay, what's wrong?" she asked gently.

He cleared his throat again. "Kathryn, do you think that Tom...Tom Paris could ever commit suicide?"

Kathryn's blood ran cold the instant Chakotay first mentioned Tom's name. Her breath got caught in her throat. Her mouth went dry. She felt as if she had been physically slapped in the face.

"Kathryn?" Chakotay's concerned voice called her back to reality. "Do you really…"

She forced a breath in. God, she felt like she was about to throw up on his lap. She swallowed hard once, twice...

"W-what brings you to ask such a question, Commander?"

Did she even want to know the answer?

"I had a vision," he told her. "A very disturbing vision..."

"A vision of Tom falling of a cliff?" she asked.

"Yes, how did you know?" he wondered, startled.

"I had it too, Chakotay – a _gift_ from Brother Tiul. Is he the one responsible for vision?"

"I don't think so. I was meditating on the beach when I started to have flashes of you and me discussing about Tom. You _had dreamed_ of him falling of a cliff. You were concerned... I  
remember talking about Tom's withdrawal attitude to B'Elanna..."

"She didn't think that there was something wrong with him," Kathryn continued. "She explained his lack of sleep to his habit of reading until the wee hours of the morning. She was describing his weight losses as a yo-yo thing, depending upon what Neelix was serving..."

"We tried to get closer to him. Then came the Frelian incident," Chakotay remembered.

"Tom did not want to go on that away mission," she said guiltily.

"He did not want to go on away missions, even before that," Chakotay pointed out.

"True," Kathryn agreed. "It got worse afterwards. Tom Paris not wanting to go planet side..." Her words sounded as strange as she had felt each time Tom had declined the opportunity to leave the ship. "He kept saying that we were cursed," she added with a nervous giggle. She took a deep breath. "Chakotay, in my vision, Tom _did not_ commit suicide on Eldorado – we were afraid that he might, but he fell saving my life."

She caught his eye, so much sorrow...

"That's not what happened in my vision, I'm afraid," Chakotay said sadly. "I wasn't there when Tom fell, but Ayala was. He saw him jumped and so did you. When you came back to the base camp with the rest of the away team, you were in shock. We could barely get a word out of you. The following few days, you kept on forgetting that the _incident_ had happened or remembering a different version, until it all came back to you."

"What I saw...," she began as tears rolled down her cheeks. "What I saw was him falling by accident. Oh Chakotay, deep down I'm afraid that I'm wrong. But- but, I can't accept that he could ever jump voluntarily. Tom doesn't want to die. He told me so."

"Maybe, he didn't really wanted to," Chakotay tried to comfort her. "His autopsy showed that the anti-agent Tom had given all of you had started to wear off and that he was getting affected by the drug."

Kathryn forced herself to stay focused as her rational mind sought an explanation. "The drug, it had a sensitization effect, meaning that the effects were building on themselves. Tom had  
already been exposed when he had first flown the away team to the field. He would have been more sensitive to its effects once the anti-agent would have started to wear off."

"It might have messed up with his true feelings," he offered.

"Or drag them back to the surface and amplify them," she argued.

"What do you remember of the conversation you had with him?" Chakotay asked.

"I can remember everything so vividly, it scares me," she sighed.

"I know," Chakotay told her. "I can also remember all the details."

The idea of talking about it, to go through all of it again, was making her sick to the stomach. She did not want to believe that this nightmare could ever turn out to be true, but there they were talking about it. She knew that comparing notes with Chakotay was maybe the only way to find out the truth about what really happened – correction, what was likely to happen. Where to begin? She sighed. God, she felt so heavy.

"We were coming down form the top of the hill with Ensign Wildman when half-way down, Tom remembered that he had left his medkit behind. Against my order, he went back. So, I followed him. I found him by the edge of the cliff, staring over the horizon. I reminded him that he couldn't fly, biologically speaking – a joke between the two of us."

She looked away for a moment. She felt Chakotay cover one of her hand in gesture of comfort and encouragement.

"Tom was depressed, sad, confused," she went on. "Earlier, when we had found Ayala, Lang, and Chell, Ayala had called him a traitor, telling Tom that he was not trusting him. I can't  
believe that there are still people among the crew that don't trust him after all this time!" she said angrily as an aside.

With a swift motion of the hand, Kathryn brushed away a tear.

"We talked about that. He said that it never mattered, but I knew that it did. He dropped the subject. So, I asked him how he had known that Ensign Wildman was on the edge of the cliff. He did not know. Our conversation wasn't going anywhere, so I thought that if I opened up to him, that he might do the same. That's when I told him about the dreams I had. He didn't know what to say except that he didn't want to die. Then, why did he needed to live on the edge, I asked him. He replied that it reminded him that he was still alive. He went on by asking me how the rest of us were doing it, stay so distant in the face of death. Didn't we  
feel the pain, the fear, the sorrow, the joy, the curiosity, the peacefulness? That's when I started to understand."

"Tom's an empath, isn't he?" Chakotay validated.

"Brother Tiul assured me so," Kathryn replied. "But Tom isn't an empath in the same sense that Kes was or a Betozoid are. Tom doesn't actually feel other's emotions. He is very sensitive and is able to _identify_ with another's thoughts and feelings. He can put himself in his or her shoes, so to speak. We're all capable of empathy – you, most of all, Chakotay – but Tom carries this ability even a step further without even knowing so. He has difficulty separating his feelings from what he believes the others around him feel."

"That would explain a lot," Chakotay said reflectively. "What happened afterwards? Did Tom tell you how he was feeling?"

"Remember that we had just lost Ensign Lang. Tom said that each time someone died, that he felt like a part of him was dying too. He was afraid that the best part of him was already gone. I assured him that it wasn't. That this empathy he had for people was what was making him so special among us. I apologized to the fact that I didn't know him all that well after all these years. He reminded me that I didn't know any of the crew very well, nor did the crew know me. I acknowledged that it was my own fault and that's when Ayala showed up. He caught us by surprise," she swallowed hard. "I... I felt myself fall backward and Tom...Tom... he pushed me to the ground. Ayala screamed Tom's name as he saw him fall. I looked up... he was not there anymore..." she finished in a high pitch whisper, hot tears streaming down her fair skin.

Chakotay got closer and embraced her in a warm hug. He slowly caressed her back until her sobs subsided. What would she ever do without his comforting presence? It took her a moment before composing herself. Then, she sought his gaze.

"I remember the dreams. But, besides those, what make you so sure that Tom committed suicide?" she challenged. "What did Ayala tell you?"

"You're not going to like this," he replied fleeing her gaze.

"I already don't like this, Chakotay" she retorted harshly. "Since the beginning of this... this vision quest... I know that I have something to do with Tom's death. You don't think I pushed  
him, do you? Maybe not physically, but psychologically."

"No Kathryn, you could never do that," Chakotay reassured her. "As I told you before, when you came back to the camp, we could hardly get a word out of you. So, we talked to Ayala. A few days later, when it all came back to you, you confirmed everything he had told us.

"Then, what happened," she asked in small voice.

"It seems that he arrived earlier than you remember. He called after you, asking you if everything was all right. You didn't turn around. You just extended a hand in the air, instructing him to stay were he was. Tom barely looked at him as he kept on talking to you. Ayala was disturbed by how flat and emotionless Tom's voice was."

"What was he saying?" she whispered with apprehension.

"He was telling you that each time someone died in his presence that a part of him was dying too. He had nothing left to give. Being on the edge of the cliff didn't even make him feel alive.  
It didn't scare him anymore. There were no fear, no adrenaline rushes, nothing left to hold him back. He felt dead inside."

Kathryn swallowed a lump. It was what she had feared all along.

"You told him that it wasn't true," Chakotay continued. "That you were still there to hold him back, and so were B'Elanna and Harry. B'Elanna loved him. Harry was considering him as a big brother. Tom asked you if _you_ were really there, if you really cared. You were trying to make amends with him and to be his friend, but you kept your distance, protecting yourself. Since you were unwilling to know any member of the crew very well, he wondered if you were truly interested in getting to know him. Each time that he was looking through your eyes, he couldn't say which your true feelings were."

Kathryn could remember the shivers that had gone up her spin each time Tom had looked deep into her eyes – into her soul – and how vulnerable and exposed she had felt. How could he not know that she cared for him? She truly _did_. He was like a little brother to her.

"You were calling him a friend, but you didn't trust him any more," Chakotay was still relating. "True, it had been his own fault. By acting the way he had, during the incident with the Momeans, he had shot himself in the foot, so to speak. Oh, he did understand and respect your position. However, he couldn't help but wonder what good he was to Voyager if you couldn't trust him. Because of his latest mistake he had became expendable once more. He couldn't stand ever living like that again. He couldn't bear ever being a casual observer – a bystander – ever again. It had hurt too much in the past."

The sister she wanted to be for him had rejected him, just like his family had done...

"I... I still trust him," Kathryn defended herself with grief. "And no, he's not expendable, none of us are.

"He told you that if he was reduced to be a mere expendable bystander among the crew, it wasn't worth living anymore. That," It was Chakotay's turned to swallow a lump. "That it wouldn't matter if he was to jump off that cliff. His life had no value. He already felt dead."

Images flashed through her mind. Images that she had never seen before, but which she implicitly knew the content. She closed her hands into tight fists, fighting the urge to block them.

"He took a step closer to edge and looked down," Kathryn said. "I begged him to step back. I told him that I never intended to devalue his life... I knew that I had hurt him greatly. I was  
trying to repair my mistake, but he had to give me the chance to do so. 'You can see through my soul each time you look into my eyes, Tom. Can't you see that I'm sincere?' I had asked him. 'You don't understand, Kathryn.' he had replied. 'I don't know what else I'm seeing in your eyes besides the pain that I'm giving you. I'm sorry, I can't see that anymore.' And... and he jumped without a second glance… He jumped."

000

"Mind if I join you?"

Kathryn and Chakotay snapped out of their daydreaming and looked up at Brother Tiul.

"Why didn't you tell me that I was wrong?" Kathryn asked the monk, a bit resentfully.

"Because what you saw _was_ a possible future, Kathryn," Brother Tiul answered her. "It _was_ just like the one Commander Chakotay saw. Things might not even turn out either way."

"Because, by the simple fact that we gained knowledge of the future, we already changed it," Kathryn rationalized.

"Exactly," the monk agreed. "The fact remains, however, that Tom is deeply tormented inside. He is like that rock at the bottom of the cliff which is constantly beaten and eroded by sea, losing little parts with each crashing wave. One day, Tom will let go of life, just like the rock will detach itself from that cliff. We fear that it might come too soon and with a lot of pain."

"If Tom commits suicide or not," Chakotay concluded. "What you're saying is that he might die very soon?"

The monk nodded.

"Oh no, gentlemen!" Kathryn retorted as she sprung to her feet. "No one is going to die, not Tom nor Ensign Lang. I won't let that happen. I won't let any member of my crew believe that they are not valued for who they are, especially not Tom. Not with all the efforts he made in order to find his place among us. None of us deserves to be left on the side."

Kathryn started to pace. Now that they knew what they were up against, what were they going to do about it? "What do we do now?" she asked her companions.

"In the visions," Chakotay began. "We _both_ waited too long before talking to him."

"But, we did talk to him," Kathryn argued. "We didn't tell him about the dreams because I was afraid that it might do more harm than good, and I still believe that it will."

"My friends," Brother Tiul called upon their attention. "If this experience has been a book, what would have been the point of the story?"

"That if we don't do something soon, Tom is going to die," Chakotay replied.

"True, in part," the monk agreed. "Would that be the most important part?" he challenged.

"Tom is capable of great empathy," Kathryn stated, understanding.

"We've known each other for only a week, but from what I learned about Tom during that time, I can tell that he can be an extremist," Brother Tiul said.

Kathryn and Chakotay exchanged a look. "That's an understatement, Brother," she told the monk.

He smiled briefly, accepting her remark for what it was. "Well, like anything else he does, Tom can also take his ability to great extremes. It will be a lot easier for him to deal with it,  
if there are people, like the both you, to acknowledge what he is capable of."

The two senior Starfleet officers nodded, understanding the importance their roles would play in their friend's life.

"Changing the future will be a difficult task," the monk stated. "However, as I told you before Kathryn, you are not alone," Brother Tiul said, exchanging a nod with Chakotay.

000

As Kathryn, Chakotay, and Brother Tiul walked back to the terrace, they ran into a very annoyed half-Klingon. Noticeable, there was no sign of Tom Paris around.

"B'Elanna," Chakotay greeted her, careful to keep his tone neutral. It was common knowledge that frustrating an already aggravated half-Klingon was not a wise thing todo. "Is something wrong?"

"No," she answered dryly, eager to get on her way.

"Where's Tom?" he questioned lightly.

"Tom? Oh, you mean Book-Rat. Try the library," she retorted with a hint of anger. She quickly fled the terrace through the nearest set of stairs leading to the garden, leaving the stunned trio in her wake.

"Trouble in paradise?" wondered Janeway.

"Why don't we go find out?" proposed Chakotay. "It's as good as any other excuse to approaching Tom," he rationalized.

Kathryn's shoulders tensed up. "I don't know, Chakotay. I still feel that we should wait to get back on voyager before talking to Tom."

The Commander met her eye with a challenging look. "Are you telling me that for the first time in your life, you, Kathryn Janeway, are afraid of taking a risk?"

She straightened herself. "I've never been afraid of taking risks. I'm not going to start today," she rebuked, knowing full well that she was responding to his bait.

"Prove it," he challenged, extending a hand toward the monastery's entrance.

Brother Tiul discretely chuckled as he let the two to friends find their way to the library without him. His part had been played. It was up to them to do the rest. Seeking to appease his  
doubts, the monk turned to the sea and drew in a breath of salty air. He still had mixed feelings for not telling them the whole truth. But he could only go so far... Kathryn and Chakotay were good people, as was the rest of the Voyager's crew. Behind their defences, that were their protocols and regulations, they too were capable of great empathy. They would figure things out in time... He hoped.

Brother Tiul allowed himself a smile as he thought of Tom. His enigmatic new friend, who had been so candid toward him and his people, had finally a chance to see the gift, he had thought a curse, as the blessing that it really was.

000

Three days later.

"I thought that I might find you here," Chakotay said with a grin as he found Tom Paris seated on a huge grey granite rock at the foot of the cliff. Tom briefly looked at Chakotay, acknowledging his presence, but nothing more. He did not seem annoyed or glad to see him. "You did an amazing job reconstructing the beach," the Commander added, impressed again by Tom's holo-programming skills. "It feels as if we were back on the Klouani Home World."

"Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul, then I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can," Tom quoted, as an explanation.

Without an invitation, Chakotay found himself a place to sit on the rock, as he asked: "Who said that?"

"Herman Melville, I think," Tom replied.

Chakotay closed his eyes for a moment as he listened to the waves rolling on the beach. The sea – its sounds, its smells – was undeniably soothing. He could understand now, with a new appreciation, why one would feel compelled to find his or her way back to it, one way or another.

"How have you been?" Tom asked after a while.

"Hey! That's my question," Chakotay replied with a grin. "For someone who received a wake-up call the hard way, I guess that I'm doing fine."

"I'm sorry that you and the Captain had to go through all this mess," Tom apologized for what seemed to be the hundredth time.

"You have nothing to be sorry for or embarrassed about," Chakotay reassured him.

Tom snorted, clearly not buying the Commander's perceptive. Chakotay knew that Tom had been embarrassed by the fact the Janeway and himself had visions about him. He had been shocked to learn that they had been through so much anguish. He had felt exposed and vulnerable, even a bit betrayed and angry. In the end, they had all been left with a lot to think about. Since their conversation, Tom had been ill-at-ease around his superior officers – his friends – afraid to let on anything.

"This time, it's the real thing, for Kathryn and me anyway," Chakotay reminded the younger man. "We made many mistakes that we don't want to repeat. One of them was not telling that we value you for who you are."

"Chakotay, you're getting melodramatic, again."

"Paris, will you hear me out," he retorted. "You think it's easy playing the melodramatic role with you as an audience?"

Tom grinned, shaking his blond head in dismay.

"The point that I'm trying to make is that I consider you a friend," Chakotay went on. "You're my extremist-sarcastic-sometimes-insubordinate friend and that would make me your  
grounded-moralistic-sometimes-melodramatic friend."

Tom chuckled. "And me who thought you had no sense of humour..."

"The things you learn about people, huh?" Chakotay pointed out with a smile. "Tom," he said more seriously. "I know that Kathryn told you that her door is always opened if you ever need to talk, so is mine. I'm here if you need me."

Tom sighed in spite himself. "You know, Chakotay, I really thought that I had things all worked out – I mean the incident with the Moreans and all, now I'm not so sure."

"If it makes you feel any better, so did Kathryn and I," Chakotay told him. "We'll work things out, together. We'll be fine in the long run."

Tom bit his lower lip. "In the long run," he echoed. "I don't want to die, Chakotay," he confessed in a soft whisper.

"Believe me, Tom, we don't intent to let you die, either," his friend assured him. "Knowing the future... or not."

End of Part 6.

***  
Hope that you enjoyed.  
Thanks to Louise for her insights, as always.  
Next part: _Going To Extremes_.  
Feedback is always appreciated.  
Isabelle S.

Copyrights January 2000


	7. Going To Extremes

Series: Voyager  
Season: 6  
Pairing: P/T, J & C  
Parts: 7/?  
Rating: PG

Prior story in the *Among The Bystanders* series:  
1) Standing Over The Sea  
2) Looking Down  
3) Searching For What Is Lost  
4) Finding Only Pieces.  
5) Standing Up For Oneself  
6) Knowing The Future

SYNOPSIS: Set after Pathfinder. When Naomi Wildman disappears during a shore-leave, Tom goes to great extremes to find her.

Going ToExtremes.  
by Isabelle_S

Tom and B'Elanna turned around a corner, leading to another dark and narrow alley. Tom stopped dead in his tracks, sighing in desperation. He could not go on anymore. He was suffocating. The prospect of going further was giving him cold sweets. His legs were barely holding him and he feared that he was going to pass out any second, now.

"Tom," B'Elanna said softly, squeezing his clammy hand. "Take a deep breath."

"...Can't..." he hissed, as he rested his back against the wall of the tall building. He closed his eyes.

"Yes, you can!" B'Elanna insisted forcefully. "I know this is very uncomfortable for you, but we're almost out of this maze. We just have two more streets to go. You can do this. Take another deep breath and come on."

_How could the Galkians walk throug__h those alleys everyday and not go mad?_ he wondered for the umpteen time. Those streets were so narrow that two people could hardly walk side by side. The walls were so high that daylight could barely reach down to them. It reminded Tom of old European cities back on Earth. There the claustrophobic that he was had learned to stay near the plazas and other open areas. Had it not been for B'Elanna insisting that he accompany her to a hardware shop, he would have never entered in one of those streets. He should have known better than to fall for one of B'Elanna's sad-puppy looks.

When they had exited the shop, they probably had taken a wrong turn and had gotten lost into the city. Now, his worst fear was about to happen. He was going to suffocate to death in a dark and very narrow alley!

000

Chakotay strolled through the crowded market, looking with interest at the various shops along the way. The anthropologist particularly liked those kinds of marketplaces, one could find a little of everything there. It was one of the best places to learn how local inhabitants lived.

"Found anything interesting?" he asked Kathryn Janeway as he caught up with her by a small clothing shop.

"A blouse," she answered with a greeting smile. "Touch this fabric, isn't it ever so soft?"

"It must be very comfortable," Chakotay agreed, stroking the material. "It's the kind of thing you want to wear on a cold winter night."

Kathryn faced the merchant again. He graciously handed her a nicely wrapped package. "What did you find?" she asked, referring to the box he was holding.

"A local icon," he told her. As they started to make their way back towards the central plaza, he took the object out its box. It was a greenish skinny figurine made in some kind of stone. It was about eight inches tall and quite heavy. The male portrayed had a kind and joyful expression on its face. "This is Rasli. It's the Galkian spirit of good fortune," he explained. "I figured we could use all the help with could get on our way home."

"We certainly could, Commander," the Captain agreed cheerfully. "With any luck, it will chase away the curse that Tom so strongly believes we've been plagued with."

"Talking about the wolf," began Chakotay. "Isn't that he and B'Elanna who are coming out of the alley over there?"

"Yes, that's them," Kathryn confirmed. She studied them more carefully. "Tom doesn't look well. We better make sure they're both all right."

They quickly joined the two younger officers. Tom had found a bench to sit on. B'Elanna was standing in front of him, looking down at her lover with some dismay. Tom's face was flushed and his breathing was laboured.

"Tom, B'Elanna," Kathryn greeted them. "Is something wrong?"

B'Elanna first nodded her acknowledgment. "Oh, no," she replied. "Tom just needs a few minutes to catch his breath."

"At this rate, Tom, you're going to hyperventilate in no time," Chakotay pointed out.

Kathryn sat beside him. "Chakotay's right. Tom, put your head between your knees and take slow steady breaths." Paris did as he was told. After a moment, he sat back straight again. "What happen?" the Captain inquired.

"Not much. Just be wary of B'Elanna's great ideas," Tom warned.

Torres snorted. "You could have told me sooner that those kinds of places were giving you claustrophobic attacks," she defended herself.

"I don't get it, Tom," Chakotay said perplexed. "How can you have claustrophobic attacks in some small places and not others?"

"I don't know," Tom shrugged. "It's an irrational fear. That's why it's called a phobia."

"Captain! Captain!" Neelix's called, alarmed. "Something terrible has happened..."

000

Everyone snapped to attention and looked towards where the Talaxian's panicked voice was coming from. Neelix was jogging in their direction, Samantha Wildman on his heels.

"Calm down, Mr. Neelix," Janeway said, standing up to face him.

"We lost Naomi..." Neelix breathed.

"She was right beside me and when I turned around she was gone!" Samantha explained, fighting her tears. "We called for her, but there wasn't any response. We found her commbadge at the foot of a tree. There was no sign of her. What if something happened? What if someone hurt her...?"

Kathryn took a hold of the concerned and frightened mother's shoulders. She met her eye. "Naomi is a very resourceful young girl. I'm sure she's all right. We'll find her," the Captain assured Wildman with conviction. "Why don't you show us where you found her commbadge? She's probably still in the vicinity."

"Captain, I'll go to the local authorities," Neelix suggested. "Maybe they've already found Naomi."

"Very good idea, Mr. Neelix," Janeway told the Talaxian, who immediately left them. As the Starfleet officers followed Wildman towards where the child's commbadge had been found, Kathryn gave Tom a sideways look. "I don't want to hear about any curse," she warned him in a whisper.

Once near the tree, Chakotay took off the tricorder that he had been wearing at this waist and started scanning the area while the others called out Naomi's name and asked people if they had seen the little girl.

"There's no trace of her," Tom said, clearly concerned. "No one has seen her. We better called for reinforcement," he suggested.

"Tuvok and his security team are already on their way down," Janeway informed him.

"Okay, Tom, think!" he told himself. "If you were a five-year-old kid lost in this crowd in an unfamiliar place, what would you do?" He lowered himself and put a knee on the ground. His gaze flew around the plaza and the adjacent market. "There are a lot of tall people and I can't see much." Then, something at his right caught his eye. He stood and purposefully walked in that direction. Curious, Kathryn was about to asked him what he was doing when Tuvok and three of his security officers showed up.

"Captain, I gather that you have not found Miss Wildman," the Vulcan stated the obvious.

"I'm afraid not," Janeway confirmed. "Start scanning the area." She turned her attention back to Paris. He was talking with the owner of a small shop on the other side of the street. Moment later, he reported back to her.

"The merchant remembers Naomi," he said. "She sold her some candies about half an hour ago. Unfortunately, she did not see which way she went."

"I found something!" the Commander told them. He picked up a data padd and a small bag of candies from a flowerbed a few feet away from where they were.

"It's Naomi's log," Samantha confirmed with a cracked voice. "I asked her to make a report about her experience."

Chakotay opened the file and played the recording:

"_Naomi Wildman, Captain's assistant, reporting._

"_Voyager arrived to the planet Galkie the day before yesterday. Neelix is quite excited to fill up his cupboards. This is my fourth time on a planet. But this time it's special. I have been charged with collecting information that the grownups don't see. Mom, I mean: Ensign Wildman, said that I have a unique perrr... per-perspective. That's the word, perspective._

"_I'm walking through the market with Ensign Wildman and Neelix. She told me to stay close because there are a lot of people. The people of this planet are all very tall, taller than Commander Chakotay and Tom! They look like trees; well most of them do, with their brown pants and green jackets."_

"I'm amazed," Tom said mostly to himself, attracting curious looks from the rest of the away team.

"_All the things to sell are placed on high shelves. I can't see anything, even if I stand on my toes. Neelix had to put his big boots on to be taller. But, he still has to walk on his toes, too._

"_I can hear children, but can't see them. There are too many people to see very far. Even if I look through the peoples' legs, all I see are more legs. I wish Mom could pick me up and carry me on her shoulders so I could see. But, I'm too big for that, now. But, not tall enough to see either!"_

"I'm frustrated," Tom voiced, his tone reflecting the girl's own frustration.

Kathryn and Chakotay's eyes met with astonishment as they reach came to same conclusion: Tom was empathizing even further with Naomi.

Kathryn came closer to the pilot. His facial expression was totally blank. His gaze was loss somewhere in front him. He seemed as if he was in some kind of trance, as he was carefully listening to Naomi's recording.

"_We are getting closer to the kids. There they are! There is a shop with low shelves. I can see what is on them! I think it's the candy shop that Tom told me about. It's covered with pretty colors. There are clear containers with colourful things inside. Some look like the gum balls Tom gave me on my birthday."_

"I'm excited!" Tom expressed.

"_Neelix gave me some of the local currency this morning, so that I can buy something nice. I'm going to get some of that candy. They look good. But I won't eat any until I get back to Voyager and show them to Neelix or Seven. Neelix made me promise. He told me that sometimes there are things in foods from planets that can make people sick._

"_I like the universal translator. With it, I can talk to everybody I meet. I ask the adults behind the desk about the candies. She tells me that the purple ones taste like mint and the blue ones are like cinnamon. I have enough currency to buy a small bag of them, one from each jar. I'd like to taste one now, but I promised Neelix to wait until he can check them._

"_I turn to find Mom__, but she is not there. In my investigation of the candy shop, I forgot to keep an eye on Mommy. And now she is lost!"_

"I did something bad," Tom said on a reprimanding tone. "I'm scared...." he trailed off.

"_There are__ lots of people, but I don't see anybody from Voyager. I know that I'm supposed to stay where I am, in this situation. But, I got to find Mommy. She'll be scared without me."_

"I'm scared," Tom repeated.

"_I know what I'm going to do! I'm going to climb that big tree over there. That way, I'll see all the market and Mommy too."_

"I feel better," he breathed as the recording ended

"Oh my God, no..." Samantha pleaded, horror registering on her pale face. "She must have fallen off that tree and killed herself. Where is she?! Where's my little girl?!" she cried in panic.

"Samantha," Chakotay told her softly. He took her hands. "No one saw or heard about a child dying here today. She has to be all right. We are going to find her alive and well," he assured her, giving her a hug.

"But, where is she?" Samantha sobbed.

"Where is she, Tom?" Kathryn asked him in a low voice.

Tom's gaze first shifted to the right, and then he made a full head turn. "You'll think I'm crazy, but..."

"But, you think she went that way," Janeway finished for him.

"If Naomi is in one of those alleys, we won't be able to transport her back to the ship," B'Elanna pointed out. "The buildings are interfering with our sensors. That's why I couldn't have Tom beamed up earlier."

"Lieutenant, go back to Voyager and see what you can do about that. Inform the Doctor to expect a patient," the Captain ordered Torres. "Take this with you," she added, giving her the package.

B'Elanna took Chakotay's box as well before asking Voyager beamed her aboard.

"Tom," Janeway said, turning her attention back to Paris. "Are you sure you can go back in those alleys?" He could not repress the shiver that went up his spine. He took in a deep breath and nodded to her. "Lead the way, then."

Kathryn had rarely seen him so nervous before. He was obviously distraught by the idea of going back in the narrow streets. She hated asking this of him. However, Naomi's life could depend on whatever intuition Tom could have. She knew him well enough to be sure that he would be able to control his fear as long as the child was missing.

They crossed the plaza and entered into a narrow street bordered by houses. Calling out Naomi's name, they inspected every corner the child could have taken refuge into. Tom was growing more nervous and uncomfortable. He was taking deep breaths in order to steady himself.

"I'm scared... and I'm lost," he almost sobbed.

"Are you in any pain?" Kathryn asked him, wondering if either Tom or Naomi were in discomfort.

"My arm aches. My legs are week... And, it's hard to breath. It could just be me overreacting," he added, frustrated. They kept on their way until they reached an intersection. They had choices: They could go forward, turn right or left. Tom looked in all directions, making a full rotation on himself. He lost control of his breathing and started to panic.

"Tom, breathe," Kathryn ordered. "Try to calm down."

"I... don't know where to go. I can't do this," he mumbled totally distressed.

"We better get him out of here before he gets any worst," Chakotay advised Kathryn worriedly.

Janeway agreed with dismay.

"Come on, Tom. I'm getting you out of here," the Commander told him in a low voice.

"No!" Paris blurted out. "Tuvok... Tuvok can help me." "Mr. Paris, I doubt that..."

"I have an idea," Tom interrupted the Vulcan. "Come with me, please."

As Tuvok and Tom returned to the plaza, Janeway called upon everyone's attention. "We'll spit up into teams; like that we'll cover more ground." She put a hand on Samantha's shoulder. "We'll find Naomi. Try to stay calm."

000

Chakotay and Kathryn started down another street. Tom was right, their narrowness, darkness, and smells were making them uncomfortable after awhile.

"With all this turning around, I'm not too sure where we are anymore," Kathryn stated.

"Judging by the sounds, I would say that were coming closer to the plaza," Chakotay told her.

"Indeed, Commander, you are only two streets away," a familiar voice told them.

Kathryn looked up to see her chief of security closing on them.

"Tuvok, you scared the hell out me!"

"My apologies, Captain. I believe that I know where Miss Wildman is located. In fact, she is not far away form here."

"Where's Tom?" asked Chakotay.

"He is still in the plaza," Tuvok informed them. "He was too tired to accompany me."

"What did you do?" inquired the Captain.

"We mind-melded," the Vulcan stated.

"You WHAT?!" Janeway exclaimed herself. "And you left him alone?"

"Captain, should I remind you that Miss Wildman is waiting?" Tuvok pointed out so tactfully.

"Kathryn, go with Tuvok. I'll go make sure that Tom is doing okay," Chakotay suggested. "How do I get to him?"

"Continue up this street until the intersection and turn right," Tuvok explained. "Mr. Paris will be sitting on a bench to your left."

Chakotay followed Tuvok's instructions until he arrived at the busy plaza. The place was crowded with people and Chakotay did not see Tom. He went further left and noticed a group of people gathered in a circle, looking down over something, or someone.

The commander suddenly felt himself tense up. A knot formed in his stomach. He reached the crowd of bystanders in a few long strides. One of them gazed down at him from his tall frame with sadness. Chakotay forced his way through them and found Paris laying unconscious on the ground.

"Tom! Tom, can you hear me?" he called, kneeling at the sides of the younger man. He pinched Tom's fingers and the inside of his shoulders without getting any reaction. "Chakotay to Voyager. Medical emergency. Two to transport to sickbay!"

In the instant of a few seconds, they were back onboard the starship.

"Commander," the EMH acknowledged. "I was expecting Miss Wildman, not Mr. Paris."

"Doctor, I can't find a pulse," Chakotay said urgently.

The physician immediately scanned the patient. "Help me get him on the biobed, now!"

000

"Over this way," Tuvok told Janeway as he confirmed what he already implicitly knew by glancing at his tricorder.

"I see her," Kathryn told the Vulcan as she made her way down three steps that was leading to a building entrance. The child was curled into a ball, making herself as little as possible, and hiding in the dark. "Naomi," Kathryn called softly. "Naomi," she repeated putting a hand on the girl's shoulder.

Naomi's eyes blinked and she looked at Janeway first frighten then with dramatic relief. "Captain!" she cried. "Captain! I knew would you come for me!" she said with absolute sincerity.

"We could never leave without you," Kathryn told her with a warm smile. "Are you all right, Naomi?" she asked concerned.

"My arm hurts. I fell of a tree and I broke it," she said guiltily. "But... but now the Doctor will fix it, right?"

"He will take good care of you," Kathryn assured the child. "Naomi, why didn't you stay near the tree?"

"I thought I had seen Seven. I called her name, but she couldn't hear me. So I went after her, but I got lost. I was scared," Naomi explained tears at the rim of her blue eyes.

Kathryn caressed her cheek. "It's over now, Sweetheart. You're ready to go home?"

The child nodded. She was more than ready. Kathryn helped her to get on her feet. They walked up the set of stairs where Tuvok took the little girl in his arms.

"Your Mommy is not far away," Kathryn went on. "She will be so happy to see you!"

"Captain... I'm sorry for having made trouble."

"The important thing is that you're with us, now," Kathryn stated, stroking Naomi's cheek. "Janeway to Voyager."

"_Chakotay here... ahead_," came the Commander's scrambled reply.

Kathryn realized that the buildings where interfering with communications as they were with the transporters. She would have to keep her messages short.

"We found Naomi," she told him.

"_Acknowledge.... all right?"_ he asked.

"Minor injuries," she reported. "Is Tom all right?"

"_Tom's onboard_," he replied. He had not answered her question. He probably had not heard it completely. The best thing to do was to get clear of those buildings by returning to the plaza. There they would be able to transport back to the ship.

"We are going back to the plaza," she informed.

"_We'll be standing by."_

"Janeway out." As Kathryn closed the link, she found herself perplexed. Chakotay had not answered her question about Tom and it bothered her.

The way back to the plaza was short when one knew the way. They emerged less than five minutes later in the square. As she called for the beam up, Janeway could not help but notice that a small crowd was dissipating. It nagged at her mind as she waited to be taken to her ship.

Chakotay, Neelix and Samantha were there, anxiously awaiting their arrival.

"Naomi!" Samantha cried rushing towards her daughter.

"Mommy!" the child echoed back stretching her good arm towards her mother.

Wildman took her daughter into her arms and gently sat on the floor hugging her little girl, crying of joy.

"Are you mad at me?" Naomi suddenly asked.

"Why?" asked her mother wiping the tears that were tickling her chin.

"I didn't follow orders. I'm sorry," Naomi said in a small voice.

"Oh, no honey. I'm just so relieved that you are okay." Samantha said, giving her a bear hug.

"Did you find my candies?" the child asked Neelix over her mother's shoulder.

"We did and you can have some after the Doctor has a look at you."

The Doctor! That brought back undefined thought that had nagged Janeway. She had been so absorbed by the reunion that she had forgotten about the person that had made it possible.

"I'm surprised that Tom's not here,"

The Commander sighted. "Tom is in sickbay."

She held his gaze urging him go on.

"He had a stroke," Chakotay reported seriously. "The Doctor is still working on him."

"A stroke? What's a stroke?" asked Naomi, not understanding what was going on, why everyone had became sober all of a sudden.

"A stroke is when a blood vessel in your brain breaks," her mother explained in simple terms.

Naomi looked at her horrified. "But, he's going be okay, isn't he, Mommy? The Doctor will fix him too, right?"

"I'm sure the Doctor is doing the best he can," Samantha tried to comfort her daughter.

000

The group quietly entered in Sickbay, where they found B'Elanna standing a few feet away from the main surgical bay. Her arms were tightly wrapped around her thin body. She looked at them and smiled to Naomi, before turning back toward her lover, over whom the Doctor was still working.

Tom was laying on the biobed, beneath the medical arch. He was already wearing the blue surgical gown. His head was turned the other way, so they could not see his face. Still, they could tell that he was unconscious by the stillness of his body.

"Be wary of Tom's great ideas," B'Elanna said, taking back Tom's words from earlier that day.

Kathryn walked to her sides. "How is he?" she whispered.

"The Doctor stabilized him. He's still attempting to repair the damaged."

Kathryn acknowledged the seriousness of the situation with a nod. In the corner of her eye, she saw Samantha sitting her daughter on a biobed.

"I'll give you hand with that broken arm," she told the ensign. As she came closer, she saw little pearls of moisture running down the child's face. "Oh Naomi, don't cry sweetheart," she told her on a soothing tone. "Tom will be fine in no time, you'll see."

"I didn't want to hurt Tom," she sobbed.

"You didn't hurt Tom, Naomi," her mother assured her. "Tom had an accident."

"I got lost... and Tom got hurt," Naomi tried to explained. "I did not follow orders."

"That's because you were scared," Kathryn said. "There were a lot of people and you were all alone and hurt. It's normal to be scared at times like this. I know I would have been scared." She brushed the tears away. "The next time that you will go on an away mission, you will know that you have to stay with your Mom."

"I don't want to go on away missions any more," Naomi declared.

"Going on away mission is a duty of the Captain's Assistant," Kathryn reminded her. "I'll be counting on you. Maybe when you feel better, we could talk about this again? Would that be okay?"

Naomi tentatively nodded her agreement.

"Good."

"Mr. Tuvok," came the Doctor's angry voice. "What were you thinking, doing a mind-meld without medical supervision? Haven't I pointed out the dangers of such reckless procedures often enough to you?"

"Doctor." Kathryn brought the attention on herself, hoping to avoid a futile argument between the Vulcan and the EMH. She might agree with the physician, but now was not the place nor the time to debate the issue. "How is Tom doing?"

"Mr. Paris's condition is critical, but stable at the moment," the EMH reported. "I repaired the damage done to his frontal cortex. However, he remains in a coma," he allowed himself a holographic sigh. "I can't tell you if he will ever wake up or if he will even survive," he finished grimly.

A heavy silence fell in the cold sterile room.

Kathryn's gaze flew over Tom's peaceful form. He had done it again, put someone's life before his own sake. Thanks to Brother Tiul's _gift_, she now knew how strong Tom's empathic abilities could be, how they could drive him to the greatest extremes. However, how Tom had managed to use his empathy as he had remained a mystery to which Tuvok was probably the only one to have the answer to. At least, she hoped.

A called over the comm link broke the silence.

"_Bridge to Captain Janeway,_" came Harry Kim's voice.

Kathryn stood straighter, gathering strength in her captain demeanour. "Go ahead, Ensign."

"_We are receiving a transmission_," he reported. "_It has Pathfinder's signature_."

Everyone looked at each other totally stupefied.

End of Part 7.

***

With an ending like this, expect a Part 8.  
Thanks to Louise B. for helping out with my writers' blocks!  
Thanks to Pj in NH for helping proofing it.

Isabelle S.  
Copyrights February 2000.


	8. What Came Between Them

Series: Voyager  
Season: 6  
Pairing: P, J & O-P, P/T  
Parts: 8/9  
Rating: PG

SYNOPSIS: Set after Pathfinder. It still takes the worst of times to bring people together, as well as to drive them apart.

Prior story in the *Among The Bystanders* series:  
1) Standing Over The Sea  
2) Looking Down  
3) Searching For What Is Lost  
4) Finding Only Pieces.  
5) Standing Up For Oneself  
6) Knowing The Future  
7) Going To Extremes

What Came Between Them  
by Isabelle S.

Captain's personal long, supplemental.

_It's been hours since ... the incident._

_I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't work. My mind keeps going back to your son, Admiral, to what he did, to the consequences. You said that he did something similar in the past and that he knew what would be likely to happen if he was to do it again. He went through with it nonetheless. Now his battling with the foreseen aftermath and losing…_

_One would assume that Tomas Eugene Paris never thinks about the consequences of his actions. Well in this case, the consequences of his __**inaction**__ could have been losing Naomi Wildman. Since no one knew in which state the child was in, it certainly wasn't a prospect any of us could easily live with._

_A life for a life? No, I can't think that way. We haven't lost Tom, yet. Or, should I rather say: Tom hasn't totally lost us, yet?_

_Telling you what happened to your son during our last contact was one of the most difficult duties of my career – of my life. I still believe that you had to be told. But, I regret having to do so more than you could ever know. Now, you must be sick with worry knowing that, on the other side of the galaxy, your son is fighting for his life and that you can't be with him._

_Fighting for his life is something Tom had to do too often – as if he __**has**__ to defend his right to be alive. He doesn't deserve that. But somehow, I'm afraid Tom thinks that he does. Why? Because he made some mistakes earlier in his life? Hasn't he paid for those mistakes already? Is it why he feels this need to put himself in other people's shoes in order to share their pain? Where does this __**need**__ of his come from? Where does the compulsion stop?_

_**Tom is driven by empathy**__, Brother Tiul insisted. Shivers go up my spine each time I think of how much I keep underestimating the truth of that statement. I keep wondering if the monk told us the whole truth. Did he know that Tom was aware of the nature of his gift and just what he could do with it? __**He is able to take his ability to great extremes,**__ I remember him telling Commander Chakotay and myself. Well, maybe Tom knew about the last part._

_Now, there's another truth about your son – __**the extremist.**__ It's always been all or nothing, black or white, yes or no, guilty ...or not._

_Today, Tom has to decide between living and dying._

_I fear the worst._

000

"You wanted to see me, Captain," Tuvok said as he walked in her ready room.

Standing in front of the window, Kathryn Janeway looked briefly over her shoulder. "Mr. Tuvok, please come and have a sit." Once the Vulcan had sat on the coach, she went on. "I want to know exactly what took place between Mr. Paris and yourself. I know that Tom is capable of great empathy – he clearly demonstrated that as he was listening to Naomi's recording, but how was he able to find her by doing a mind-meld with you?"

"It appears, Captain, that my telepathic abilities enhanced Mr. Paris' empathic ones – abilities which I did not know he had," Tuvok began. "Once the Ensign had sufficiently conquered his  
claustrophobic fear, he informed me of what he intended for us to do and that he had done this before with Betasoids. I agreed to carry on with this experiment, and we proceeded.

"Mr. Paris first imagined himself being Miss Wildman's once again. He was in that state of mind when we melded. As we did, I was first conscious of both our presence and of our close proximity. Then, I sensed the empathic feelings Mr. Paris had for Miss. Wildman. Capitalizing on those feelings, we extended our mental boundaries.

"I became aware of the distance between us and the next person, then the next three, the next building... We _entered_ the maze of streets. Mr. Paris was concentrating uniquely on the feelings he had for Miss. Wildman as I search for a similar source. This is how, Captain, that I knew how to find the child," Tuvok finished recalling as if the whole experience had been a simple walk to the park.

For Kathryn, this was just amazing! She made a hand gesture as to emphasize what she was about to say, but her words got caught her throat.

"Mr. Paris and I were aware of the risks, but we judged the situation critical enough to carry on, nonetheless," the Vulcan added.

"I understand that Naomi could have been in a serious condition, but the risks to you two were important. I'm surprised and disappointed that you agreed to this, Mr. Tuvok."

"It was a logical alternative at the time and Mr. Paris was quite convincing in stating his case," Tuvok told her.

"I'm sure he was," Kathryn granted.

000

Kathryn approached the main biobed, over which Harry Kim was talking to his best friend. Tom was still unresponsive. He did not look any better or any worst than the last time she had seen him. He was simply sleeping through the remaining of this day. She felt cold at the thought that he might be sleeping through the rest of his life, assuming he would survive at all. Had Chakotay not found him when he did... She decided not to think about it anymore. What was done was done.

Still, Kathryn remained angry at Tom. She was as angry at him for proposing the mind-meld, than she was at Tuvok for accepting it. Tom had not begun to see the end it, yet. When he would wake up, she would be ready to give him a piece of her mind! She sighed inwardly. She was also grateful for what he had done for Naomi, and impressed, and sad... He would hear about that too.

"Captain," Harry greeted her. "I was just telling Tom that there were a lot of peopl begging for him to wake up, among them a fair number of women, but it seems that he doesn't care about that anymore. Or do you, Tom?"

Harry's teasing tone stole a grin from Kathryn. "You succeeded in convincing B'Elanna in going to get some rest?" She pointed out Torres' absence.

"The Commander did," he replied. "I think that he's the only one who can."

They exchanged a sad smile and Kathryn turned her attention towards the EMH, who was joining them. "Any change?" she asked.

"Some," he reported. "His condition is still critical; however Admiral Paris's speculations were accurate. Ensign Paris is reacting to Miss Wildman's presence. His vitals are more stable  
when she is in sickbay. I arranged for her to sleep here tonight. She should arrive any minutes, now. "

"How is she doing?" Kathryn wondered, knowing just how distressed the child had been.

"Much better," the Doctor answered. "She calmed down a great deal, especially now that she knows that she can help Mr. Paris."

"Tom helped Naomi. Naomi helps Tom," Kathryn said allowing herself a grin. "Hopefully, things will balance themselves."

"Hopefully," the Doctor agreed.

"Do you really think that Naomi's presence could bring Tom back to us? asked Harry.

"Quite frankly, Ensign, I don't know," confessed the physician. "If Mr. Paris is in fact still affected by the telepathic link Commander Tuvok established between Mr. Paris and Miss Wildman, I'm willing to try."

"Maybe we should ask Tuvok to stay as well," suggested Harry.

"I might just do that," the Doctor said thoughtfully.

The doors opened, revelling Samantha and her daughter. The child was dressed in a pink nightdress and holding on to her teddy bear – or whatever that thing was supposed to be. They immediately joined the rest of them by Tom's bedside.

"Tom is still sleeping, isn't he?" Naomi asked sadly.

"I'm afraid so, Sweetheart," Kathryn replied. "But, I'm sure that he'll feel a lot better now that you're here."

The little girl reached over the edge of the bed and put her hand on Tom's. "I'm here now, Tom," she told him. "You're going to be okay. You can wake up, you know."

"Captain, take a look at those neural readings," the EMH invited her over the medical consol. "I would say that there is definitely something between the two of them."

The Captain nodded, taking in all the little signs of hope she could get.

"Mommy, can I sleep with Tom?" asked Naomi wishfully.

"No, Honey, I'm sorry. The both of you won't be comfortable on this bed," Samantha pointed out. "Also, the Doctor might need to take care of Tom. We don't want you in his way."

"Oh," Naomi said disappointed. "Than, can he have Mr. Dougy? He always makes me feel better."

"Sure, he could. This is very nice of you," Samantha praised. "With you and Mr. Dougy looking after him, Tom will feel a lot better too."

Naomi placed the teddy under Tom's arm with the help of her mother, and then she followed her to the nearest bed.

Kathryn bent down over Tom. "You're father will call back soon," she told the unconscious man. "He's very worried about you, like all of us. I'd like to give him good news, meanwhile, sweet dreams."

000

"Bridge to Captain Janeway," rang the Chief of Security's call through her quarters.

She sat on the edge of her bed – on which she had been laying wide awake for hours. "Go ahead, Mr. Tuvok."

"My apologias for waking you, Captain. However, we are receiving another transmission from Pathfinder."

"Acknowledge, Janeway out." As she made her way to the bridge, she crossed the path of her first officer. "You couldn't sleep either, could you?" she said, noticing his tired appearance.

He gave her a sideways look and a sympathetic smile. "Tom's condition is still the same?"

She nodded. "The Doctor says that Tom is stable," she said with an emphasis the last word. "I wish I had better news for the Admiral."

"I know," said Chakotay. "You barely have news of your son over six years, and when you manage to get in contact with him, you learn that he might not survive the next twenty-four hours. I can't start to imagine what the Paris family is going through."

"I can," she stated as they entered the turbolift. "They're going through the same thing that we are. Bridge," she ordered the computer. The two senior officers exited the lift finding Tuvok and Kim both attending their stations. "Report," she demanded.

"We received a short message," the Vulcan informed her. "Mr. Kim is decoding it, now."

"They're not trying to establish communications?" asked the Commander, intrigued by this change of tactic.

"Not at this particular time," Tuvok replied.

"Captain," Harry called from his station. He was slightly taken aback. "It's two words: Expect transport."

Kathryn felt a rush of adrenaline run through her as she realized what this message meant. She met the Commander's eyes; he was as surprised as she was.

"Mr. Tuvok, you have the bridge. Try to enhance communication. Mr. Kim, Commander, you're with me," she ordered as she made her way back toward the turbolift.

"Could they have improved their system enough to send someone over already?" inquired Harry, a bit incredulously.

"That's what we're about to find out, Mr. Kim," Janeway told him. She could hardly believe that Starfleet would agree to such a risky endeavour.

The moment they entered the transporter room, they started to work fiercely in order to boots the communication's array and to amplify the transporter receiving range. A transporter signal  
with biological components was indeed being transmitted to them. They could not afford to lose that signal! It took them long minutes to receive it completely. With anticipation, Janeway hit the _energize_ button.

000

"Janeway stared at their visitor unbelievingly. "Like Father, like son," was the first thing that came out of her mouth. It was not the most proper thing to say, but she did not care.

"That's exactly what my wife said," Tom's father told them.

"Welcome on board, Admiral," she said as he came down from the transporter platform. "It's good to see you, Sir. I just wish..."

"That it was under better circumstances," he finished for her. "I'm afraid that it still takes the worst of times to bring people together."

"Sir, let me introduce my first officer, Commander Chakotay, and our Chief of Operation, Ensign Harry Kim."

"Gentlemen," Owen Paris graciously greeted them. He looked back at Janeway. "Kathryn," he said solemnly. "Thomas... I'm not too late, am I?"

"You're not too late, Admiral?" she replied with a small smile. "We'll take you to him."

They exited the transporter room and left for sickbay.

"When you informed me what had just happed to Thomas I told myself that it had to be faith that we had called you when we did. I had to come," Owen Paris explained. He stopped in front of the turbolift and looked at each of them as he continued "Six years ago, we thought we had all lost you for good. When we learned that you were still alive, out here in the Delta  
Quadrant, there was hope of seeing you again or at least of hearing of you." He took in a deep breath. He was visibly uncomfortable with what he was about to say next. "There was hope for me to try to make things right between me and my son. If he is to die, I want to have the chance to tell him that... that I love and that I'm proud of him."

Touched by the older man's words, Kathryn, Chakotay, and Harry nodded their understanding.

000

Kathryn could not suppress the grin that creped unto her face as they entered in sickbay. Naomi had found her way on Tom's bed despite what her mother had told her. She was cuddled by his left side, her head resting on his shoulder. She was holding her teddy, which was laying on Tom's torso.

On a chair nearby, B'Elanna had dozed off.

The Admiral seemed not indifferent to the sweetness of the scene in front of them, but he was otherwise composed. Years of hard training and of command experience could teach anyone to control and even hide their feelings. Owen Paris had successfully taught that lesson to Tom. However, like father like son, their clear blue eyes would always betray them. Kathryn had saw torment in her mentor's eyes before, and she could see it again.

"The child, is she the one that Tomas helped find?" Owen asked.

"Yes, Admiral," Kathryn confirmed. "Naomi Wildman. The woman beside them is Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres. She and Tom have been together for two years, now."

Owen quietly made his way to his son's side. B'Elanna looked up at him. In her dazed state, she was confused for a moment.

"You're Tom's father, aren't you?" she whispered.

"Yes Lieutenant, I am."

She rose and faced him across the bed. "Tom will be happy to see you," she told him.

"His sisters predicted that he would have a fit," Owen said on a lighter tone – a tone they had previously attributed to another member of the Paris family.

"He probably will, but don't let him trick you," she warned. "Tom doesn't always say what he really thinks."

On that, B'Elanna left him alone with his son and joined the others, which the Doctor had already done.

At first, Owen Paris simply stared at Tom's face, as if he did not know what to do or what to say. Kathryn's heart went to him. This had to be extremely painful. There, on the biobed, his son was laying in a coma. A son that he had not seen in God knew how long. A son he had rejected out of anger, disappointment, and humiliation; a son he knew strong, yet fragile; a son that he had never stopped loving, who would always be _his_.

Where could the father begin?

He moved one hand to Tom's forehead and slowly brought it down the side of Tom's pale cheek.

"Hello, son," they heard him say in a low voice, careful not to disturbed Naomi. "It's your fa... It's your dad. Your mother and sisters sent their love." He paused for a few seconds. "You must be wondering what I'm doing here, _me_ of all people. I had to see you, Thomas. I could not lose this chance, maybe my last, to see you again. I missed you a great deal over the years.

"Son, I had to tell you how proud of you I am for helping all those people... I had the honour of meeting a lot of them. They speak highly of you, of your courage and compassion... And I…I tried do take that away from you... I'm glad, that despite all you've be through, that you stayed true to yourself." He took a deep breath. "I hope you'll be able to forgive me one day."

He paused again, as he fought to control his emotions.

"You have to come back, Thomas, iff not for our family, for the one you have on Voyager. You have to come back to Lieutenant Torres, who obviously loves you very much, and to this little angel here, who is holding on to you for dear life. Son, I don't know if my being here is a mistake or not, but at least I will have had the chance to tell you that _I love you._"

He went silent as he rested his hand on Tom's shoulder. Then, he caressed Naomi's long blond hair in a fatherly gesture. The child had not stirred once. Just like his daughters, she probably could sleep through a red alert. When Owen faced back Voyager's senior staff, his expression was solemn, but composed once again.

"Doctor," he acknowledged the EMH, before shifting back his gaze on Tom's still form for a brief moment. "What can you tell me?"

"Your son's condition is slowly improving, Admiral," the Doctor reported. "I believe that he will eventually come out of this coma. The question is when. You were correct in speculating that he would be affected by Miss Wildman's presence. His vitals are more stable when she is near him, although I still fail to understand how."

"From what I understand," Owen Paris began. "At any given moment, Thomas is aware of his location in space – which is one of the factors that makes him the pilot that he is. During a telepathic encounter, it seems that he loses this notion and that he has difficulty being... _whole_ again. I know that this sounds quite _exoteric_, but it does make a lot of sense when it is explained to you by a Betazoid.

"In the past," the Admiral continued. "The people that Thomas empathized with became homing beacons for him, so to speak. There are good reasons to believe that it's going to be the case this time around as well."

"It seems that way," Janeway told him encouragingly.

000

Kathryn pored down some more coffee in their cups. With Admiral Paris, they had retired into her ready room to get a light breakfast. Neither of them was really hungry, but the coffee was good. She had seized the opportunity to tell Tom's father about their experience on the Klouani Home World.

"It was obvious from the beginning of this mission that Tom was always ready to throw himself into the worst situations to help someone in need, risking his life many times. At one point, I even wondered if he had a death wish," Kathryn recalled. "Tom had a lot to overcome when we arrived here. He wasn't Starfleet or Maquis. He was seen as a traitor by both sides. He_ had_ to prove himself. We came to understand that he was getting those situations because he knew he could handle them. He was not really trying to impress any us. Most of all, we realized that we had mistaken his compassion for bravado. But, it took our visit to the Klouani monastery and Brother Tiul's visions to discover about Tom's empathic ability."

"Did you tell Thomas all of this," asked Owen. There was a hint of concern in his voice.

"Yes, we did on that very same day," she replied. "There were a few details that the Commander and I had agreed not to mentioned, but we gave him the major highlights."

The Admiral nodded. It was as if he was reluctantly accepting her answer. "And, you were able to keep him away from that cliff?"

"Yes, and to prevent Ensign Lang's death as well," Kathryn was glad to report. "We didn't avoid Eldorado or Frela for that matter. We couldn't afford to. But, we stayed on our toes until yesterday." She sighed. "I didn't even know that he was capable of doing things like that."

Owen swallowed a sip a coffee, he was thoughtful for a moment. "When Thomas was three year old, I brought him with me to Headquarters because I had to check in on a project for an hour or so. It wasn't the first time that he had accompanied me and the kid was getting excited just at the idea of going to the office. I did what I had to do and on the way back we entered the turbolift with a lieutenant. Without any warning, the turbolift stopped for some reason. Thomas looked up at the lieutenant and asked point blank _'Why you're scare?_' I hadn't realized myself that the lieutenant had started to get nervous. _'Not comfortable in confined spaces, are you Lieutenant?_' I asked him. 'Not really, Sir.' he replied. I called security. They told us that they would look into the problem right away. Well, that just made the Lieutenant more nervous.

"At fist, Thomas was mystified by his reaction. But then, he became nervous himself. It was like he was feeding on this man's fear. He started to sweat and to shake, then to cry and  
hyperventilated. By the time we got him out, ten minutes later, he was almost catatonic. That's when I realized my kid was not your typical egocentric three-year-old. It took weeks of  
therapy to get him back into a turbolift."

"With what happen yesterday, it's clear he's still prone to claustrophobic attacks," Kathryn added.

Owen sadly agreed. "That event was just the beginning. As Thomas got older, his empathic ability grew, as it does for any other _normal_ human being. In his case, it grew exponentially. He was taught coping and defence mechanisms, however those are not of much use when he purposefully empathize with someone else. There were times when he went so far that I thought we had lost him for good – like yesterday."

"You feared that it could lead him to suicide before, haven't you?" Kathryn asked aware that the issue had made the older man tensed and uncomfortable.

"Thomas would not take his own life in his right mind, not my happy little boy. But otherwise, it's been a constant threat ever since he was a teenager," Owen replied.

He sighed.

"Among the logs you sent us when we first contacted you with Pathfinder, I received a letter Thomas had written while he was in the brig last year. It's an account of the events that led him there and to be demoted. At end, he tells me that he hopes this letter will help me understand him a little better. Kathryn, I didn't learn anything knew." He briefly looked at her as he made his confession. "Why does my son needs to save a world at the cost of his career and his own life? I don't know and it always scared me like hell. I thought that I would be able to protect him, mostly from himself, if I could give him strict guidelines, a Starfleet career, and a bright future, but I... I just aggravated his feeling of alienation."

"You'll have to tell him this, because he doesn't know," Kathryn said softly. "Anger and disappointment have been between the two of you for so long that they misled Tom about the nature of your true feelings. It's your turn to save the world, Admiral."

000

Chakotay and B'Elanna came back to Sickbay after a short trip to the Mess Hall. There, the Commander had been touched and amazed once again by Neelix's sensitivity. Without a word, the little Talaxian had presented a plate of banana pancakes to B'Elanna. The smile of gratitude that had lightened up her face had been reconfirming. Now, with some food in her, she would be more apt to face this day: A day that Chakotay feared would not be any easier  
than the one before.

In Sickbay, they found Samantha Wildman keeping herself busy with trivial things as she was waiting for her daughter to wake up. The Doctor, on his part, was working in his office. They  
immediately went to the main biobed. Tom and Naomi were as they had left them.

"I never saw her sleep so soundly, before," Samantha told them. "I don't have the heart to wake her up."

"She's been quite oblivious by all the activity around here," the Commander commented.

"The Doctor thinks that she might be affected by Tom's condition, but nothing serious."

"Well, let her sleep. After yesterday, she could use the rest," he said. "I have to report to the bridge. You'll keep me inform?"

"Of course, Commander," Samantha assured him.

"B'Elanna, you can stay here if you wish," Chakotay told her, putting a supportive hand on her shoulder.

"What if he doesn't come out of his coma, Chakotay?" she croaked.

"You know what the Doctor said. Tom will wake up."

"Eventually," she added. "I can't pass all my days in here. I can't see him like this anymore," she said looking down at Tom's sleeping face. "I'll come back later."

Chakotay sighed as he saw her walk out.

"She's exhausted," Samantha voiced sadly.

He nodded. "How about you, Samantha, how are you doing?"

She gave him a small smile. She caressed her daughter's head. "I'm fine. Now, if Mr. Paris over here could just wake up, so I could tell him what I think of him playing hero, things would be a lot better for everyone."

The moment Samantha detached her hand from Naomi's hair, the little girl stirred. They exchanged a smile filled with relief.

"Naomi," Samantha called softly. "It's Mommy."

With some effort, Naomi lifted heavy sleepy eyelids. "Mommy..."

"Hi Honey, did you sleep well?" the mother asked as she help her child sit up.

Naomi brought her hands to her eyes to clear away her sleepiness. "I had a nice dreamed."

"You did? What was it about?" wondered Samantha.

"I was playing in the park with Tom." As she mentioned his name, she looked at him. "Tom, you're awake!" she exclaimed herself, throwing her arms around his neck.

Chakotay and Samantha's attention had been so concentrated on the child; they had not noticed that Tom's blue eyes had popped open.

"Careful Honey," Samantha warned. "Tom," she called. His gaze remained unfocussed. "Tom, can you hear me?" He stayed motionless.

"Ensign, is Mr. Paris awake?" came the Doctor's voice.

"His eyes are open, but he's still unresponsive," she reported.

As the EMH consulted the medical consol, Chakotay took Naomi into his arms and stepped away. With his free hand, he hit his commbadge. "Chakotay to Janeway."

"Janeway here, go ahead Commander."

"You and the Admiral should come down to sickbay," he told her.

"On our way, Janeway out."

As they waited, Chakotay and Naomi were attentive to everything the Doctor and Samantha were doing. The physician filled up a hypospray and pressed it against Tom's neck. There was still no improvement. Samantha gave the EMH another instrument and he flashed a light into Tom's eyes. That got a reaction out of him! He stirred with shock and started to blink.

"It's all right, Tom," Samantha tried reassured their now confused and agitated patient.

Chakotay gazed over his shoulder when he heard the doors of sickbay open. Janeway and Admiral Paris entered. He smiled and nodded to their unspoken question. They silently agreed to stay at a fair distance until the time was right.

"Mr. Paris," the Doctor drew Tom's attention on himself. "Do you know who I am?"

It took him a few seconds before answering in a raw voice: "Doc."

"Good. Do you know where you are?" the EMH questioned again.

"Sickbay... I'm in sickbay." Tom tried to look around and finally gave up searching for what he was looking for. "Naomi?" he said.

"Naomi is right here, safe and sound," Samantha told him with a beaming smile. "Look."

Chakotay came closer with Naomi.

"Hi there Mutchkin, you had me scared for a while," he greeted her, reaching for her hand.

"You scared me, too. You had a stroke and you wouldn't wake up," she told him.

"I'm sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't meat to scare you."

"You're _sorry_," Samantha echoed. "Oh Tom, what are we going to do with you?" She gave him a kiss on the forehead. "Thank you for finding my daughter," she whispered. "We'll see you later. I have to get Mutchkin over here ready for her classes."

"Ok, later Sam. See you, Mutchkin." He closed his eyes for a moment, and then looked at Chakotay who had remained with the Doctor. "So, I scared you too."

"Oh yeah," the Commander answered. "You can say that again!"

"Not now for the speech, okay?"

"I can't promise you that, Tom. I'm not the one who reserved the right to give it to you," Chakotay replied.

"I did," came Kathryn's voice.

Tom cringed. Chakotay would probably had cringed too if he had been in Tom's place. It never felt good to be on the receiving end of Kathryn Janeway's recriminations.

Chakotay stepped aside while the Doctor discretely went to give a status report to the Admiral.

"I can explain," Tom began.

"I know you can, but not now," she told him. "Chakotay found you in the park almost dead."

"I had a stroke." Naomi had already informed him of that. "But, it worked. Tuvok found Naomi, right?"

"Yes, he did." she acquiesced. "Tom, a little while after we beamed you to sickbay, we received a call from Pathfinder."

"Uh-oh," he whispered getting agitated. "You didn't... You told my father." the last part of the sentence came out with some resignation. He looked away and swallowed a lump.

"Yes, I did."

Tom stayed silent. He seemed so tense, it made Chakotay wonder what he was afraid of. Kathryn gently put a hand on Tom's cheek and forced him to look at her. "Tom, he's here."

His head mechanically rolled on the side and his eyes met with his father's. Shock registered on his face. Then, his instincts kicked in and he struggled to sit up. With a sudden rush of  
adrenaline, he bounced of the bed.

"Easy!" Kathryn warned steadying him.

"Why are you here?" Tom finally asked his father defensively.

"Son, when I heard about what had happened..."

"You decided to finish what you had started," Tom interrupted him angrily.

"Thomas, no! I feared I might never see you again and lose my chance to tell you: _I love you, Son_," Owen Paris attempted to defend himself. "And ask for your forgiveness."

"_Forgiveness_? Tom echoed outraged. "You're dreaming Dad, because I'm never going to forgive you for what you did. _You_ ruined my life! Okay, what I did with it afterward wasn't that great. But, _you_ tried to have me committed to mental hospital!"

End of Part 8

000

Part 9 should follow eventually.  
Thanks for reading.  
Feedback is always appreciated.

Isabelle S.

March 2000


	9. The Idiot

Series: Voyager  
Season: 6  
Pairing: P, J, O-P, C, P/T  
Parts: 9/9  
Rating: PG

SYNOPSIS: Set after Pathfinder, Tom and his father get reacquainted.

Prior story in the _**Among The Bystanders**_ series:  
1) Standing Over The Sea, 2) Looking Down, 3) Searching For What Is Lost, 4) Finding Only Pieces, 5) Standing Up For Oneself, 6) Knowing The Future, 7) Going To Extremes, 8) What  
Came Between Them.

The Idiot  
by Isabelle S.

"_Forgiveness_?" Tom echoed outraged. "You're dreaming Dad, because I'm never going to forgive you for what you did. You ruined my life! Okay, what I did with it afterward wasn't that great. But, _you_ tried to have me committed to mental hospital!"

The accusation fell on Kathryn, Chakotay, and the Doctor like a bomb. If it shocked Owen Paris, the Admiral was quick to recover.

"Yes, I did _admit_ you in psychiatry for an evaluation," he acknowledged holding his son's gaze. "But I did _not_ try to have you committed to an institution. Never did any of us ever  
thought that you were crazy, Thomas. But you needed help dealing and accepting the Caldik Prime's accident the way it happened."

"You don't know how it happened," Tom remarked angrily.

"And I know for a fact that you're still not sure either," his father pointed out. "Yes, you may have done a mistake. But, Son, putting yourself into the place of your friends and reliving over and over what they might have been through during their final moments was not going to shade more light on what really happen."

Kathryn felt her blood run cold at the mere thought of her sensitive friend putting himself through so much pain.

"You don't know that," Tom defended.

"Do you really think that you would have found more answers?" Owen questioned.

Tom remained silent.

It was obvious that the intensity of the present argument was far beyond the level of energy Tom had. Kathryn felt that he was starting to falter under her support. The sudden rush of energy that had ran through him at the sight of his father was now exhausted. Tom was totally defenceless to the pain his old woods were creating as they were reopened. She helped him leaned back on the edge of the biobed.

Owen took advantage of this moment of weakness to get even closer to his son. Cornered by Kathryn and the bed, Tom had no other choice than to face the older man. Kathryn stepped back as Owen took his son by the shoulders.

"I'm not here to revive old quarrels, Thomas," his father said softly. "Unfortunately, we've grown so distant physically and emotionally in the last decade that my being here was sure to do just that. I am sorry, Son."

Tom slowly gazed up as his father talked. He had that captive look in his blue eyes, the one that could reach your very soul and send shivers up your spine. No one was immune to it, not  
even the dreaded Admiral Owen Paris.

The older man faced his son in silence for moment, fighting to keep is countenance.

"How did you get here?" Tom eventually asked as thought he was finally realizing and accepting his father's presence.

"Pathfinder," Owen replied. "It's a complicate story."

"I'll wait for the movie to come out," Tom remarked. He sighed as he shook his head. _Why_?"

"I _had_ to see you," his father told him.

"I guess that it's another good stupid way to go," Tom commented, not too impressed.

"Now, look who's talking? I suppose giving yourself a stroke was smarter?" his father challenged.

"I _had_ a good reason," Tom defended.

"And I didn't?" Owen snorted. "Kid, wait until you get children of your own."

"I don't see that happening anytime soon," Tom replied snorting back. He met his father's gaze once again with a sudden insight. "You were scared for me," he stated a bit surprised.

"Well of course I was scared for you, Thomas. You're my son. When I heard of what you had done to help young Naomi, I felt myself suddenly thrown in the past, reliving at the same moment the call I had received form the captain of The Exeter after you had 'mind-melded' with a Betazoid. I feared the worst. I remembered how bad it got in the past. It almost killed you twice before. This time, when the Doctor told me that you were in a type 4 coma, I had to come. I had to see you alive, even if it was barely. I could _not_ loose you again without telling you that I never stopped loving you."

Tom put a finger onto his father's lips.

"It's okay, now," he whispered. "I'm okay. I always loved you too. You don't have be scared anymore."

He brushed away his father's tears. "I never seen you cry before," Tom pointed out.

"That's not true. You saw me cry before. You even cried with me to help me get better. Remember?"

Tom gave his father's question some thoughts. "I don't know anymore. I'm confused," he admitted. "I'm too tired."

Owen squeezed his son's shoulders as their blue eyes met.

Tom nodded.

Owen smiled as he pulled his son into a hug.

000

Kathryn walked into the Mess Hall, where she knew she would find Tom and Owen Paris. It had been almost a week since Admiral Paris had arrived into the Delta Quadrant for what would turn out to be a one month stay. Tom, on his part, had been released from Sickbay four days before and was now on regular duties.

It was Kathryn Janeway's greatest joy to see the father and the son share some time together, making amends. Beneath the mutual anger and resentment, Tom and Owen Paris had obviously never stopped loving one another and wanting each other's approval.

In those few days, Kathryn had noticed Owen relax his stern demeanour. He was smiling a lot more, bringing a glee in his blue eyes that Kathryn had not seen there for a very long time. She knew Tom had also saw it and the effect it had on the young man was even more heart-warming.

Tom had finally found what he had been looking for all his adult life: his father's approbation. It had been there for years, although it had never been said. Owen was proud of what Tom had become, of what he had done, and of what he was accomplishing today. The older man open and sincere emotions were felt more strongly each day by his empathic son. Obviously, Owen had learned, or should she say, relearned to deal with Tom's gifted sensitivity. In response, Tom had magically blossomed, like a rose on a bright early sunny morning.

"When did you say we would be able to send you to the Alpha Quadrant?" Kathryn heard Tom asked his father on an annoyed tone.

The admiral snorted.

On the other end, Kathryn remarked as an afterthought, it could turn out to be a long three weeks.

"Kathryn," Owen greeted as he noticed her presence. "Please, have sit. Thomas was about to tell me what had brought him to Weraq."

"No, I wasn't," Tom contradicted. "You never give up, do you?"

"I'm here, aren't I?" his father replied.

A blush crept upon Tom's cheeks. He smiled with embarrassment.

"You're not gonna like this," Tom warned.

"Seeing how adamant you've been to answer my questions, I already figured as much. Still, I would like to know why you were in Lankl's most dangerous part of town. Please, don't tell me it was faith, President Haral already gave me that one."

Tom chuckled. "The President is a good man."

"Yes, he is, and he was lucky as hell to have you cross his path and save his life that night."

Weraq had joined the Federation quite recently. Its membership could not be more than ten or twelve years old. Kathryn had heard about the attempt made on the President's life, prior to  
Weraq's adherence.

The idea that Tom had been on the planet during such a time of turmoil was intriguing, but surely not out of character. The fact that he had saved the life of a man who would become one the most influential figure of the Federation in a short period of time was even more captivating. Needless to say that she wanted to know what had brought the young man to Lankl as well.

"I didn't do much," Tom shrugged. "I was at the right place at the right time."

_Of course, he had been_, Kathryn reflected. _Tom always knows where to find trouble._

"Not according to him," Owen pointed out.

"Oh? What did the President told you about me?"

Kathryn, seeing how far this conversation could be going, leaned toward the Admiral. "Bring him back to your question before he leads you too far away from it," she urged him.

"Yes, a judicious advice, My Dear," he replied with a wink

She returned his smile.

"Well?" they both prompted the younger man.

"Well, I was in this particular part of town because I needed a cheep place to stay."

"You could have come home," Owen reminded him.

"Yeah, _right_," Tom replied rolling his eyes.

"Why Weraq?" Kathryn asked hoping to do some damage control before the two men took another tangent.

Tom shrugged again. "I had found a job."

It could be darn annoying when Tom Paris decided to be uncooperative. He could test one's patience until its very limits, and Kathryn Janeway had never been a very patient woman. She had to give credit to the Admiral perseverance. Of course, Tom was the good Admiral's son. As the saying was going: the apple was never falling very far from the tree.

"I have visited Weraq. Irish traditional music is not popular theme over there, so you weren't in Lankl to sing. That's obvious."

"Not too loud about my singing. The last thing I want is that Neelix overhears us," Tom said in a low voice.

"I would love to hear you sing again," Kathryn told him delighted about the idea.

"And I'd love to see you do the Dying Swan again," came his response without missing a bit.

_I'll get you for tha__t, Mister_, Kathryn thought to herself as she gave him a challenging glare. She saw Owen looking at her with an evil grin. _Better stay on top of things,_ she decided.

"So you had found a job," she recapitulated. "What kind of job?"

"Nothing not too complicated," he answered with a shrug.

"Anything to do with your _Spanish Lady_?" asked the Admiral.

"_My Spanish Lady_?" echoed Tom.

"You know, the petite brunette with chestnut eyes that always looks at you with a mischievous smile which tell you: _'for me to know and for you to find out_.'"

Tom laughed. "I think I know who you're talking about."

"Ricky?" wondered Kathryn.

"Her real name is Rachel Fernandez Castillo," Owen stated. "She proved to be wonderful addition to the Pathfinder project."

"Really?" voiced Tom. "She's not a Starfleet Officer."

"She doesn't need to be," Owen told him. "She's the public relation representative. She's in charge of keeping us in contact with the families of Voyager's crew. She is quite an asset when it comes to tracking down some people on which we do not have much to go on."

"She's very good at what she does," Tom granted.

"Yes," agreed Owen, "Which brings me back to your little association yours."

"We aren't associates," Tom denied.

"But you are friends," Owen offered.

"We're friends."

"So, Rachel was in the business of finding people and I know that she asked your help on a few occasions. Were you on Weraq to find someone?"

"I'm sure Rachel already told you that her relations with her clients are confidential," Tom replied.

"She did. But I'm not asking you who you were there to find. I'm asking you if you were there to find someone."

"What if I was?" challenged Tom.

"It tells me what you were doing on Weraq," Owen answered as if stating the obvious.

"Why didn't you asked that in the first place?" came Tom's question.

Owen and Kathryn exchanged a look full of exasperation. They started to laugh with dismay.

Tom would never change.

"What's in this that your father is not supposed to like?" Kathryn wondered.

"The methods he uses to find people," Owen replied.

"I had to ask," Kathryn muttered, thinking that she should have known better.

"And _I_ don't like your traveling methods," Tom retorted.

"We already discussed that issue," Owen reminded him.

"I guess, we'll have to discuss it again," Tom told him.

000

"Tom, I wish we could tell you what you want to hear, but we can't," Harry told him sympathetically. "This is as safe as we can ensure your father's transport to the Alpha Quadrant."

"Well, it's not enough," Tom retorted.

"It will have to suffice," Seven stated.

Was he detecting a hint of irritation in the stern voice of Seven of Nine? Nah, it had to be his imagination.

"Listen to the voice of reason," B'Elanna told him. "Seven is right."

Tom glanced back at the data showing on the main screen of the Astrometric Lab. He sighed again, unsatisfied with the results.

With the help of his father, the Captain, B'Elanna, Harry, Seven and the Doctor, Tom had looked over every bit of information regarding his father's _trip_ into subspace over and over again. Despite all their best efforts, they could only improve the safety of the transport from ten percent.

Ten percent was far from being enough to ease Tom's fears of losing his father to this suicidal endeavour.

"I still can't believe he did a stupid thing like that in the first place," Tom mumbled not for the first time.

"Your father cares about you," said B'Elanna. "Besides, you did stupid things for people you cared about yourself."

"I never did anything _that_ stupid!" Tom rebuked.

Harry snorted.

B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Maybe I should contact the Doctor and asked for his insight in the matter," suggested Seven.

It was Tom turned to snort. "Alright," he gave in. "I'm an idiot too at times. But that doesn't change anything."

"No, it doesn't" agreed B'Elanna. "Tom, your father is leaving tomorrow. Why don't you make good use of the time you have left with him?"

Tom nodded. "You're right," he told his lover. He gave the situation some more thoughts before looking up at Harry. "You know any one who has a violin?"

000

It was definitely one of Kathryn's dreams come true. Heck, it was even better than what she could have imagined! There, in the replication of an old Irish pub, Tom had handed a fiddle to his father as an invitation to join him on stage. Their makeshift band was also composed of Harry Kim, Patrick Fitzgerald, Joe Carey, and Michel Ayala.

Kathryn had heard rumours of the Admiral playing the fiddle, but she didn't know he could sing as well. He had a deep soft tenor voice that could carry you miles away. It was a gift his son had inherited along with a taste for Celtic Folklore.

Tom took a sip of water before speaking again.

"This next song as a rather strange title and it deals with a rather strange subject, at least from the point of view of the people of Delta Quadrant. You see, this song irritates the people of this quadrant because of all those carpet-banging strangers from the Federation who are infesting the D.Q."

The crowd snorted and laughed.

"Everyone is out there trying to get their hands on those leola root supplies," he added.

"That's for sure!" agreed Neelix somewhere in the crowd.

More laugher.

"This song also has a personnel connotation. It came to mind as I tried to figure out which of my father or I tended to do the most stupid things. Sadly, I realized that the apple was never falling very far from the tree..."

Again, laugher could be heard.

"To make this song, originally produced by Canadian signer Stan Rogers, a bit more relevant, I did make a few changes to the lyrics. And it is dedicated to all you, with apologies to the people of the Delta Quadrant, and even to you Dad. This song is entitled: _The Idiot."_

_"I often take those night shift walks when the Commander's not__ around.  
I turn my back to the Doctor's tasks and make for open ground.  
Far into the holodeck where the warp core makes no sounds  
I forget the stinks and always think back to that Alpha Quadrant town._

_I remember six years ago this Delta Quadrant life I chose  
and everyday, the news would say some sector going to close  
Well, I could have stayed and take the Dole but I'm not one of those.  
I take nothing free and that makes me an idiot, I suppose._

_So I bid ferwell to the Alpha Quadrant__ town I never more will see.  
But work I must so I eat this food and breath refinery.  
Oh, I miss the green and woods and streams  
And I don't like Starfleet clothes  
But I like being free and that makes me an idiot, I suppose._

000

After offering his best wishes to the crew and making his goodbyes, Admiral Owen Paris left the bridge of the USS Voyager for the transporter room in company of Captain Janeway and his son.

Kathryn stopped in front of the transporter room indicating that she had no intentions of going further. They all had a very busy morning, making sure that the Admiral's transport back to the Alpha Quadrant would be a safe one, leaving no time for Tom and his father to have a private moment together.

Kathryn extended her hand expecting the Admiral to shake in return. He took her hand in his own and pulled Kathryn into a friendly hug for a few seconds.

"You are making an old Admiral very proud, Captain," he told her. "Your devotion and this crew's dedication is an inspiration to us all. You take good care of yourself, Kathryn."

"I will, Sir. You have a safe trip."

He nodded, and with that, followed his son into the transporter room. Ensign Kim working at the control station looked a bit surprised to see only the two men come in. He recovered quickly, understanding that the moment should be a personal one for the father and the son. He informed Tom that everything was ready, made his goodbyes to the Admiral, and then took his leave.

"This is it," Tom said trying to hide his nervousness.

"Yes, it is"Owen agreed, hoping his son could not feel just how nervous he really was. "Everything will go as planed," he reassured his son for the umpteen time.

"It better be," Tom said. "I can't loose you again."

"You never lost me, Son," Owen replied softly.

"Yes, I did... At least, that's how it felt to me," Tom tried to explain. "I know we might never see each other again, but promise me you still be around for a long time."

"I will, if you promise me the same thing," Owen agreed with a smile. "No more stunts like you did a month ago. Otherwise, I will have to come back and kick your butt."

"Oh no, not that!"

They both chuckled.

"I'm proud of you, Son," Owen said more seriously. "I'm proud of your work. I'm proud of who you became and what you stand for." He put his hand on Tom's shoulder. "I love you, Thomas. Remember that. Both your mother and I love you."

He pulled his son into a bear hug.

"I love you too, Dad," Tom said trying to control his emotions. "You tell Mom, Moira, and Kathleen that I love them very much."

"I will tell them," Owen promised. "You be careful out there."

"I will."

They share an instant of uncomfortable silence.

"We better do this," Owen said taking upon himself to break the special moment between the two of them. Tom nodded and made as his way to the control while Owen positioned himself on the transporter platform.

"Have a safe trip," Tom said.

"Goodbye, Son."

"Goodbye, Dad."

They shared one last look before Tom it the _'energize'_ button.

000

_1 month later_

Harry Kim walked on the bridge with a series of PADDs in hand. With Seven of Nine, Harry had passed the last few hours downloading the latest transmission sent by Pathfinder. It was  
not in Harry's habits to walk around the ship playing mailman, that was one of Neelix's prerogatives, however this time was different.

Tom had finally received news from home. Ever since Admiral Paris had been transported back to the Alpha Quadrant a month earlier, his best friend had lived in a constant uncertainty that something might have happen to his father.

From what they had been able to determine from their sensory readings, the transport seemed to have gone accordingly to plan, but that had not reassured Tom much. As he had elaborated  
numerous times, a lot of things could have happened: degradation of the transporter patterns over the distance, toxicity of organic materials that could lead to neuronal degradation and other cellular death, so on and so forth. Truth be told, his fears were legitimate.

"Tom," Harry called, coming down to the pilot's station.

Tom looked up with a smile as he acknowledger Harry's presence. His smile faded away as he saw the PADD that his friend was tending to him. Aware of everyone's gaze upon him, Tom took the PADD self-consciously. He read the few first lines and then a smile reached his blue eyes.

"It's from Mom," he told them. "She says that Dad is fine. She is wondering if by any chance we would like to have him back."

000

THE END.

A year later, I finally finished this story. Thank you for all of you who read the story and encouraged me along the way.

The original song: "The Idiot" as been written by Stan Roger, a ate Folk signer from Halifax, Canada.

Big Thanks too all of you!

Feedback is always appreciated.

Isabelle S.

April 2001.


End file.
